A little too noisy...
I really want to like it. I gave it a couple good listen throughs with my bass cranked up and nearly rattled monitor off my desk. I think you're going the right direction with the edgy beats, but somehow the excessively harsh bass just overwhelms the melody (if there is one in some places). The spirit of the piece is good, I feel the energy that you're going for, but it just is too noisy to really communicate the sense of urgency you're going for. It's a good start, however.