Her Triangle Body

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Come on, everybody, and check out the dance party!

NOTE: This animation is best played when a bit drunk, and on a big screen for everyone to dance to.


So much was expected from Ridley Scott this time around. The knowledge that the mastermind who defined our genre with the likes of Blade Runner and Alien was returning to science fiction was indeed working on a story set in the Alien universe had even those usually frosty to summer blockbusters speculating about what fresh magnum opus he would deliver. We temporarily and unwisely forgot that Scott was also the perpetrator of such muddles as Kingdom Of Heaven and Robin Hood.

Nevertheless, Prometheus is by no means a terrible movie. not the prequel we wanted, but it is a glorious spectacle packed with thumping space opera tropes. Put ticks in your I Spy Book Of Classic Sci-Fi against inscrutable android, gross monsters, alien ghosts and cool spaceships. The visual effects will doubtless see it nominated for an award or two; its vision is grand and unlike anything served up for yonks. Satisfyingly earnest performances from the likes of Michael Fassbender plus an unrepentant sensawunda make it impossible to be bored during the almost-too-concise running time. A frantic sequence where female lead Dr Shaw (Noomi Rapace) performs a caesarean section on herself to remove a parasite is intense and one of the most visceral scenes. But the implausible way she then sprints back to her adventures with only the merest suggestion of discomfort is symptomatic of the logic-proof shields.

Much of the momentum, for instance, is created only by the stupidity. Set in the later years of the 21st century it relates how the Weyland Corporation funds a research mission to distant moon LV-223, following a star map uncovered by archaeologists. No expense is spared as the vessel Prometheus carts its crew of boffins and diggers to the ancient rock, where they uncover horseshoe-shaped silos built by the lost Engineer race apparently the creators of life on Earth and a nod to the Space Jockey seen in Alien. The Space elephantine is actually a helmet, peeling away to reveal handsome, if oversized, humanoid features. Wow. But oh dear. Our crack team of mismatched geniuses trundle off exploring the rock just as night falls, instead of waiting for dawn. They take their gear off at the first opportunity, without considering pathogens. They naively finger-poke a freshly discovered snake creature. Do they not have horror movies 70 years from or even wildlife documentaries? Even the final, noble suicide run against the evil disturbed seems sudden and unlikely.

Not content with confounding fans of common sense, Scott also appears determined to (ahem) alienate devotees of his earlier masterpiece. There are clues about the purpose and lifecycle of the mighty Xenomorph but they are unsatisfying and incomplete, the motives never truly examined. possible the filmmakers set out to be deliberately ambiguous, and fans have filled entire forums looking for interpretations. It would be in keeping with screenwriter Damon time on Lost to answer questions only with more vagueness. But Prometheus ultimately fails to satisfy an audience waited several decades for straight answers about where nemesis came from.

On the plus side, the new chronology rewrites the history of Weyland Industries in a way that surely contradicts the timeline of Alien Vs Predator. So for rendering that non-canon, Ridley Scott should receive a hearty welcome back to the genre at least.

Dude, I was going to give you props for being 7 years old and submitting something to Newgrounds. Hahaha, this is very terrible. No stars for you!

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Credits & Info

1.93 / 5.00

Oct 5, 2012
5:06 PM EDT
Comedy - Original