I looked out from atop the hill, my hand felt cold against the frozen bark of a tree. My cheeks and nose were red from the cold, I breathed heavily, resting a bit as I looked out. The sunset turned the sky pink from a distance, the sparsely placed spaces for light to come through between the clouds and a gentle snow fell on the forest. Yet above the trees, I could see. Out into the distant mountains, the clearings of forest and behind me, I saw smoke. A peaceful smell, as I knew the others were preparing supper, paired with the faint sounds of the village. I looked forward, away from them and had thought about where I was going, staring down now at the ground before me. A bit of dirt can be seen between the snow and ice. The trunk of the tree I rest my hand on breaking the smooth blanket of snow and dirt.
I began to walk again, steadily downhill while looking out, losing my view from above the trees. Descending into the quiet forest, my thoughts began to shift, from the smell of smoked ham and woodfire, to each step I took, the sound of snow beneath my foot, the view of mighty trees now rising above me, fallen moss-covered logs and broken trunks. A fair amount of the earth was exposed beneath the forest, twigs, dried leaves, patches of ice that looked like puddles of water. I had thought again... about where I was heading.
I felt my breathing stutter, taking deeper breaths to keep my composure among these mighty, beautiful trees. And yet, I could feel it in my throat. A pain had begun to grow, and my breathing, while still slow, began to shake. Deep within my chest, I felt a piercing blade, one that cut deeper than the biting cold on my skin, the light snow melting as soon as it touched my red face. I stepped over a small, fallen branch. Not wanting to disturb the peaceful quiet, resting forest.
I'd remembered her, at that moment. Seeing her delight under these trees, barefoot and smiling. How bright one could be, even when the sun is dark and sleeping. I thought of her family, the shared moments of myself and her younger brother playing and fishing, her mother telling me the stories of the village, her father teaching me of what I must strive for. To be worthy and proud of the man I had grown up to become. And her face... that she'd always smile, always laugh and always shine.
I had realized my eyes were shut, my hand on over my heart, gently clenching my chest. I quietly wept. I struggled to bring myself to my feet, the cold earth seeming to take away all the warmth of the memories. To all of those people, all of my folk whom I had come to love, each more than the last. I struggled to bring myself to my feet. And yet, I did. I stood up, slouched but moved onward, thinking of where I was heading.
I looked down towards the ground a bit, walking forward, resting my hands on each tree that I had passed to pull myself forward. I felt a small hug of warmth from the almost sunken sun. And I knew that I was almost there. No smell of smoke, no sound of the people, just the peaceful sound of the forest. Perfectly still. I had kept my composure better from that point forward, only a lingering sense of emptiness within my chest.
The forest had begun to engulf more of the space around me, and through the trees, I had followed a small, narrow dip in the earth. Finally, I had come to where I had set out to be. And it all came back, rushing through my mind of all the memories I had had of her. All the memories I had forgotten of her and all the memories I would never have the chance to make. I fell, crestfallen to my knees before the stone. The light blue of her favorite color had faded from the etchings. With barely a hint of it ever being there... My heart quaked, my eyes threw tears across my face and my hands had dug into the dirt, I couldn't help myself. The proud man I should be, brought to my knees from the coldness I had felt inside. What had been biting me for years came boiling to the surface as I struggled to breathe.
But I know... I know that every morning I see your face, in the brightest light that brings life to the world. A memory that will never leave this world, one of your light... and it made me think, it reminded me. Of someone as bright as you, as happy and hopeful, as cheerful and full of wonder you are, of what you had thought of me. I knew I had to get up, I knew I had to bring myself from my knees and rise. Of all of those who have come into my life, I have loved all of you. And you most of all. I would never fail the people who rely on me now. And I know that I must be strong for them.
I raised my hand from the mud and wiped it on my clothes, resting my hand on your stone, I brought myself up. I looked at the etching, I felt the cold within my body as I breathed in deep, this biting chill that froze the life inside me. And I breathed out, a cloud in front of my face blowing away through the trees. I felt quiet, I felt peaceful, these mighty and sleeping trees all around me. And you, resting before me. My breath had steadied, I looked again, not seeing what was in front of me but instead seeing you. Remembering. Slowly, I turned around and began to walk. I had others now, that I must take care of. And I will always be grateful for the strength you give me to keep going. In every face I love, I see yours.
I looked towards the sun. Almost beyond the mountains now, ready to sleep. And I wondered, while staring at the sun, if you had never truly left me.
