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Sorrow, Tears of Blood

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Sorrow, Tears of Blood 2015-03-10 01:36:49


Sorrow, tears of blood
We were as close as the campfire as we could get, after all we went through you couldn’t blame us I guess. Sylvia was out, doing her watch; Reaper was asleep in his tent waiting for his turn. Meanwhile I and Alice were just not able to sleep. She kept sharpening the blade of her scythe, making the shrieking that was making me insane, over and over and over again.

After some while I couldn’t stand it anymore and tried to start a conversation:

“Alice….” I started
“Yeh?”
“You, know we have been travelling for a while now, yet I don’t seem to know much about you…”
“So…”
“If we are fighting side by side I guess I should know more about you”
“Like…..?”
“Why are you always wearing that mask?”
“……”
“So…not telling huh?”
“All right, I guess you are right…. It’s quite a long story, and you are probably not going to like it”
“Guess we will have to find out”
After that she pierced the floor with her weapon and started using the stick of it as a seat.
“Pay attention” she started “as I won’t be telling you twice….it goes like this:”
“I was 6 years old, and lived with my parents my big brother and my sister. My brother was 17 years old and was about to go to college and my sister was only 9 years old, so we played a lot together. Is like she have been born to make people smile, her smile was so contagious nobody was ever sad around her.
One day she seemed to start spacing out. She sometimes just stood there looking at some far away point in the sky. I just couldn’t understand what was on her mind and as soon as I asked her about it she would just blush and say it was nothing. Phew months later I finally understood. She was holding hands with an older boy, about 12 years old I if remember rightly, and kept smiling even more beautifully than she was before. It was more than obvious, even for me, that she had fallen in love.
I started becoming a loner, since I wasn’t much of a friend maker to start with. I expended my time jumping from one tree to another and playing I was an assassin ninja killing shadows. The distance between my sister and I kept expanding as we had no longer anything in common at all.
We stood like that for 3 years, and then the sadness began. One day I just came back to my room and felt surprised by my sister being there on her bed, sobbing. Couldn’t get her to talk so I got from my mother next day her boyfriend had cheated on her with an older girl and left my poor Elise on her own…”

“Elise?” I asked by pure instinct
“That was her name”
“Was?”
“Agh! Just pay attention would you?!” she replied annoyed

“Day after day she kept crying, not getting any better, but worse every day. I just couldn’t stand her anymore so I started roaming around at night when my parents went to sleep. Maybe I was a little selfish, maybe I was heartless, or maybe I just felt she was being ridiculous but I never tried to get her better.
Believe it or not we were like that for 3 more years, until Elise died. She never stopped crying, and I mean literally never, even her corpse kept dropping tears of blood. I forgot to mention, at some point she started crying blood, I guess because her eyes couldn’t stand the crying anymore. When she died my family started splitting, we couldn’t stay at the same place anymore. I moved with my mom and my dad moved by his own; at the same time since my brother was already in college he didn’t came home any longer. I basically stopped talking to anybody but my mom and focused on my school and my exercises, as a “ninja”.
By the time I was 15 things had only gotten worse. I barely made 1 friend and my mom seemed sicker every single day that passed. None the less, the silliest thing I could think was “this can’t get any worse”.

It did…as soon as I fell in love myself. I couldn’t help myself, she was so beautiful for me, so nice to me, so special, I just needed her to be by my side.”

“WAIT!...she?”
“YES!...ISABELLA!...CAN I FUCKING GO ON?!”
“Yes…of course”
“FINE!....as I was saying:”
“I was deeply…stupid around her. I did the things a silly girl does, you know, writing her name everywhere, drawing her, looking at her and giggling. It wasn’t so bad, but people found out.
I won’t ever forget, nor the laughter of my partners, nor the sensation of the first tears I ever dropped, not the pain after she slapped my face, and most of all, not the indignation on her face when she left the place crying pretty loudly.
I felt miserable, wanted to end my misery, and didn’t want to talk to Ryan (my friend) nor my mom. And while I was there feeling sorry for myself I suddenly started hearing a sobbing I searched my house until I found it in my mom’s bedroom door. It seemed like a girl of my age, her hair entirely red her clothes seemed white but were stained. Her eyes though were the ones that frightened me, they were fully black, and dripped rivers of blood that fell on the floor and stained everything she passed by. She looked directly at me and seemed to ignore me, like I didn’t exist.
It seemed to get closer to me, and also that she was invisible o anyone else but me. I only saw it happy twice; it stopped sobbing and started chuckling until her laughter was heard as a roar.
Once was on Ryan’s death.
He was visiting me and he accidentally touched that creature. As soon as it touched him he started crying for no apparent reason. He died 3 months later from loss of blood that he had cried for 2 months by that time.
The second one was when she killed my mom. She purposely went and touched her…she also died 3 months later. When I was at her grave saying my last goodbye…my nightmare became true.
Still laughing she trampled at me. I dodged her and got as far away I could without losing her out of sight. Suddenly I heard some sobbing at my side, finding there were 2 more of those dammed creatures, I jumped backwards avoiding them by 1 second. I jumped the wall and fell on my ankle, twisting it painfully.
I crawled away from them as fast as possible but it was a matter of seconds before they had me surrounded, I felt desperate and sure I was going to die there…I decided that was a good moment as any….
‘Mom, sis…I’m sorry. I should have helped, I should have been there. I should have tried to save the ones I loved the most I should have been braver. The only good thing is I’m going with you so I’ll be able to see you again’
At that time 2 of them suddenly stopped and changed back to something more human like. They were my mother and sister, this filthy thing had turned them!. They looked at me and smiling banished in the air.
I smiled back and was grateful they had left in peace, but I made the mistake of letting my guard down. I felt as three thousand needles of ice stabbed my heart at the same time as I heard a shrieking. Looking down I saw the bloody hand through my chest and was starting to fall to the floor unconscious when I saw the chain….”
“Chain?”
Suddenly I heard a voice from my back which made my jump and fall to the floor, seemed Sylvia was back.
“Yes, I saved her just in time” started saying Sylvia “after that she joined the order”
“Indeed, I’ll take next round ,let Reaper sleep” answered Alice giggling a bit
“WAIT!...THE MASK!...WHY THE FUCKING MASK?!” I asked abruptly
“Oh…here sweetie” answered Alice taking her mask off

Her eyes were entirely black and blood started dripping as soon as the mask went off. She seemed a lot older that her tiny voice suggested.
“I got infected, and still am” she said putting it back again “the only thing that keeps me alive is that I know a cure”
“Which is it?”
“Love, silly” she said walking to the forest
After she left Sylvia let go of a sight
“What’s wrong Sylvia?”
“I’m still worried of what Sorrow said before leaving”
“What was it?!”
“Goodbye Pain, my lil sis”

hope you enjoyed it, if there is anything you want to kno or any sugestions u have dont doubth in asking me

Response to Sorrow, Tears of Blood 2015-03-10 04:14:13


Jesus, that went really crazy really fast!

Response to Sorrow, Tears of Blood 2015-03-10 05:18:20


At 3/10/15 04:14 AM, PlagueDocterNick wrote: Jesus, that went really crazy really fast!

yeah i guess it gives that impression, you see this is a short storie based on a bigger one im writting rigth now (yeah thats gonna take a while) but i wanted to start publishing it already, so here is sorrow, next month ill publish a new one "guilt, the weigth of darkness"

Response to Sorrow, Tears of Blood 2015-03-20 21:50:05


Wow. Just wow.
This one really got me. I just wanted to end the story; you really cling to this one.
You get a little lost in the end and think that it has no connection, but that doesn't matter, because it was the story evelopment what really stole the spotlight, even though it's a little twisted.

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠.5/10♠


Gonna open my bar on Glenside!

BBS Signature

Response to Sorrow, Tears of Blood 2015-03-20 23:48:49


At 3/20/15 09:50 PM, 8madness wrote: Wow. Just wow.
This one really got me. I just wanted to end the story; you really cling to this one.
You get a little lost in the end and think that it has no connection, but that doesn't matter, because it was the story evelopment what really stole the spotlight, even though it's a little twisted.

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠.5/10♠

Well, thank yo fro reading and the feedback. I was trying to make people forget about the mask in the story so they could know more about Alice (Pain). It would have been imposible to explaon her infection whithout showing Sorrow. And yes is a liltle twisted but so im i i guess. Hope you read next issue on april 13, once again thank you for your support

Response to Sorrow, Tears of Blood 2015-03-23 06:08:11


So I finally had time to read your story. I wish there was more backstory sot that I knew more about what is going on, but it's a short story excerpt and meant to draw interest. You have a good idea of what your writing about and there are suspenseful/horror aspects aside from a fantasy theme (which I gather from the weapons). Is this a mixture of elements or is it just this particular part that is written this way?

Now here is my critique, and I always try to be as nice as possible since most writers would rather be harsh and expect that to toughen one up to criticism, yet while true, it is how you say things that matters most, not being blunt as possible. One thing I've learned is never publish anything with errors, grammatical or structure-wise. You will be crucified or no serious reader will bother to respond as to what they think. It's hard enough finding to TO read!

Now did you say you were going to publish this as is or eventually will? Also, what program do you use to write? I noticed spelling and some grammatical errors, but nothing that can't be fixed easily. I'm guessing you pulled this directly from where you wrote it because of the lines not being spaced and including the title at the top. Space things out just so that it is easy for the reader.
The other thing is dialogue and flow. I know a short story has to jump into things quickly, omitting a lot of detail that novels include, and this one is especially short (might be because of NG character limit?) When I write dialogue, I think of where my character is from, how they speak (slang/proper/accent), personality and how certain characters may relate one to another; they get along with one person better than another, causing them to be open with the closer while short and dismissive of the other. Would the girl in your story really reveal her past to this character like that and if so, how much emotion would be behind her words to make her hesitant and how could you express those feelings through what she is saying? At times she sounds casual and disconnected from something so personal, but maybe it does not bother her anymore?

One things I do know writers will point out (because I had this problem) is properly giving back-story. Is it all told through dialogue or is it expressed over time? Personally, I don't think anyone would tell such a thing to just anyone. Then again, it is your story and you know more about the characters than me, so take my words for grains of salt ^_^ Instead of dropping everything about her in one short story piece, do what you did overall by creating the draw some readers mentioned it had. Let her tell the main character (I think he is) enough so that he and the reader feel like they just watched an amazing episode of Dragon Ball Z and they have to wait til next week for more! Make us suffer XD
Don't give it all away at once. Pace yourself and keep a believability about what they say and how they say, and when they say it. You could even reveal her story through action and not dialogue. Maybe they go somewhere familiar to her and more details come about or there are more of those creatures she fought and infected her, and she recalls how they took her mother and others from her.

Because you threw in how she was infected at the very end, DEFINITELY hold that out! Revealing as little as possible while suggesting something happened to her, because these creatures infect people will be enough to cause the reader to speculate, but you never say. This requires being good at writing in general, and amateur writers like us grow into that rather than naturally know how to build suspense; that is something I struggle with because I don't know if I'm doing it right.

I'll post one of my writings to so you can see where I'm at in my writing and also since you wanted to know more about my story. You can learn a lot from seeing where someone is good and not so good at. :)

Looking forward to the next one you write! It was enjoyable~

Response to Sorrow, Tears of Blood 2015-03-23 16:11:18


At 3/23/15 06:08 AM, BluMiu wrote: So I finally had time to read your story. I wish there was more backstory sot that I knew more about what is going on, but it's a short story excerpt and meant to draw interest. You have a good idea of what your writing about and there are suspenseful/horror aspects aside from a fantasy theme (which I gather from the weapons). Is this a mixture of elements or is it just this particular part that is written this way?

Now here is my critique, and I always try to be as nice as possible since most writers would rather be harsh and expect that to toughen one up to criticism, yet while true, it is how you say things that matters most, not being blunt as possible. One thing I've learned is never publish anything with errors, grammatical or structure-wise. You will be crucified or no serious reader will bother to respond as to what they think. It's hard enough finding to TO read!

Now did you say you were going to publish this as is or eventually will? Also, what program do you use to write? I noticed spelling and some grammatical errors, but nothing that can't be fixed easily. I'm guessing you pulled this directly from where you wrote it because of the lines not being spaced and including the title at the top. Space things out just so that it is easy for the reader.
The other thing is dialogue and flow. I know a short story has to jump into things quickly, omitting a lot of detail that novels include, and this one is especially short (might be because of NG character limit?) When I write dialogue, I think of where my character is from, how they speak (slang/proper/accent), personality and how certain characters may relate one to another; they get along with one person better than another, causing them to be open with the closer while short and dismissive of the other. Would the girl in your story really reveal her past to this character like that and if so, how much emotion would be behind her words to make her hesitant and how could you express those feelings through what she is saying? At times she sounds casual and disconnected from something so personal, but maybe it does not bother her anymore?

One things I do know writers will point out (because I had this problem) is properly giving back-story. Is it all told through dialogue or is it expressed over time? Personally, I don't think anyone would tell such a thing to just anyone. Then again, it is your story and you know more about the characters than me, so take my words for grains of salt ^_^ Instead of dropping everything about her in one short story piece, do what you did overall by creating the draw some readers mentioned it had. Let her tell the main character (I think he is) enough so that he and the reader feel like they just watched an amazing episode of Dragon Ball Z and they have to wait til next week for more! Make us suffer XD
Don't give it all away at once. Pace yourself and keep a believability about what they say and how they say, and when they say it. You could even reveal her story through action and not dialogue. Maybe they go somewhere familiar to her and more details come about or there are more of those creatures she fought and infected her, and she recalls how they took her mother and others from her.

Because you threw in how she was infected at the very end, DEFINITELY hold that out! Revealing as little as possible while suggesting something happened to her, because these creatures infect people will be enough to cause the reader to speculate, but you never say. This requires being good at writing in general, and amateur writers like us grow into that rather than naturally know how to build suspense; that is something I struggle with because I don't know if I'm doing it right.

I'll post one of my writings to so you can see where I'm at in my writing and also since you wanted to know more about my story. You can learn a lot from seeing where someone is good and not so good at. :)

Looking forward to the next one you write! It was enjoyable~

interesting review i msut say. The thing is this is a short story thath happened 2 days after my first book, where the villian was called Loyalty. By this time they have developed a friendship as well as the 2 other characters here. I didnt want to put the story on actions cause that happens on the big one already and i apologize for tyhe gramatical errors sicne im not a born english speaker. Anyway thank you a lot for your feedback and i hope you find next one more enjoyable than this. Besides i sesnsed it woudl be weird hwe asked about the mask at first and never got an answer at the end, i would have done exactly the same thign after that story, just to caugth your attention a litle more, this is the first part of a trilogy of short storys called "PAins Creation" where the main character would be Alice

pd: I wrote thsi on microsoft word