Eternal nothingness

[hopeless87]

I'm feeling emo, so sorry if this isn't an uplifting post. I'm just going to let my fingers do some stuff.

Today, my mind is beset with conflict as I look down the barrel of adulthood and realize my hand's never been on the trigger. I've never had a childhood. I've never enjoyed my life. I've never had the chance to decide whether I was happy or not. I just did those things that needed to be done, because people needed me to do them.

It wasn't my turn, because my mother was mentally ill.
It wasn't my turn, because I went right into the army after high-school
It wasn't my turn, because my family needed a provider

Now it's not my turn, because all those people that needed me to be everything to them still have nothing but me.

It's not my hand on the trigger because I'm busy being my father's friend, my mother's savior, my wife's escort to happiness, my brother's confidant, and everyone else's side-show.

Who's controlling my life and why does it feel like nothing but a shitty detour on the path of eternal nothingness?

I apologize if my cloud darkened your day. I just needed to vent.

[hopeless87]

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/i-know-why-the-caged-bird-sings/

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Maya Angelou

[DarkMatter]

Look on the bright side, at least you aren't alone. You have your spouse, and your family.

[hopeless87]

At 2/13/14 02:58 AM, DarkMatter wrote: Look on the bright side, at least you aren't alone. You have your spouse, and your family.

I know, after coming out of that depressive moment I realize how lucky I am.

I have seasonal affective disorder, and a very understanding family.