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Porphyria 2011-01-29 08:37:21


"Porphyria is what people call the vampire's disease. In our world people feel that this disease is a myth or that its just straight up fake. However there are many who have this disease, many call it a curse but I call it a blessing, People don't take kindly to what I do. Fuck what they think!!! They don't understand that a mans gotta eat, and besides I been hunting people since before I became a vampire. It did get harder to do since I got a record. Damn I fucking hate cops, they're just like other humans except they think they're badge protects them from my wrath. The names Abel, and as of now though I have a new target, another vampire named Amelia. If I consume her I'll become more powerful. I'll get two of my favorite things, Power and murder. I hear she has a kid sister, whose human, hehe. This means I can have some fun with this after all, I cant wait to see the look on Amelia's face as she is drained of her very life".

( Meanwhile at Amelia's hideout)

" I hear that monster Abel is coming to kill me" said Amelia. " That's right what do you plan on doing about this sis" said Amelia's little sister Maria. " I plan on killing him first, in fact ill draw him out and challenge him to a fight to the death" said Amelia. Maria then says, " are you sure that's wise he has killed so many, he is bound to know how to fight". Amelia then laughs and says," I wanna see him outfight hot steel". Amelia then pulls out a Revolver with the word justice engraved on it". Maria then says," don't underestimate him, they don't call him the Blood Moon for nothing". Amelia then says," its a name, it doesn't mean anything, his knives don't stand a chance against my bullets. Maria send him this letter".

(back at Abel's hideout)

" So the bitch wants to fight me. Hehehe the bitch got a death wish, it could be a trap, but a trap to me means free food hehe, I gotta meet her at mid night in Central Park. Hmmm sounds like fun. I'll kill her and her cunt sister".

(at Central Park)

"How did I know you were gonna show", says Amelia. Abel then smiles and says," I love a party, and by the way your sisters kinda cute maybe me and her can have a good time when this is all over hehe". Maria then looks at him in fear and runs behind Amelia. Amelia then says," who says your gonna be alive when this is all over, I don't plan on sparing you". Abel disregarding what Amelia just said gazes at Maria and Maria's fear then turns into trust, and love. Abel then says, I'm ready when you are beautiful hehe". Amelia then smirks, pulls out her gun and shoots Abel until her clip empties. Abel falls dead, then Amelia reloads her gun and says," Maria are you ready to go". Maria then takes another look at the corpse and says," is they're a reason why I feel sad". Amelia then says," that will wear off soon"."Damn you drew blood you bitch hehe". Amelia then turns around and notices Abel's knife up to her throat, Amelia then says," how is it possible, your a monster!!! I may not have been able to stop you, but someone will". Abel then laughs and says," yeah your probably right but when that day comes you wont be alive to see it so what does it matter to you hehe". he then slits her throat and drains her dry. Abel then looks at Maria with Amelia's gun in her hand and says," I was gonna kill you, but then I saw your face and I realized how beautiful you are, and I think you feel the same about me, now if you want I can show you the life you never lived". He then puts his knife away and looks at her again. Maria then looks at Abel and puts the gun down and cries a little bit and says," I did not think murder can bring about love but it has, and now that I know you feel the same way I understand that even you have a heart, now please turn me, I trust you and I think I love you." Maria then runs to Abel and starts hugging him. Abel then hugs her back and says," I knew this was gonna be fun". Then he looks down at her and breaks her neck. He the drains her lifeless body and returns to his hideout.

" Some people are just too naive I swear. Some people just ask to be killed hehe. I wonder if they're are any other vampires for me to drain, I feel more powerful already, I hope if there are more then I hope that they are more of a challenge because tonight was easy, what a waste of a life hehe." Abel then cracks his knuckles and says," time to go hunting", he then gets up and searches for his next prey.

Response to Porphyria 2011-01-29 08:51:10


I'd like some feedback and other ideas would be greatly appreciated thank you ^_^

Response to Porphyria 2011-01-30 07:58:07


At 1/29/11 08:51 AM, legionbear wrote: I'd like some feedback and other ideas would be greatly appreciated thank you ^_^

Besides some minor capitilaztion errors you're pretty spot on. Im not sure if you did this on purpose but Abel's lack of diverse vocabulary makes him seem alot more wrathful, and arrogant. Another thing, after each qoutation, start a new line. This will make it easier to read.

"That monster Abel is going to come and kill me." Amellia said.
"New line here."

Response to Porphyria 2011-02-02 17:54:18


At 1/30/11 07:58 AM, AROSOFTHEDESERT wrote:
At 1/29/11 08:51 AM, legionbear wrote: I'd like some feedback and other ideas would be greatly appreciated thank you ^_^
Besides some minor capitilaztion errors you're pretty spot on. Im not sure if you did this on purpose but Abel's lack of diverse vocabulary makes him seem alot more wrathful, and arrogant. Another thing, after each qoutation, start a new line. This will make it easier to read.

"That monster Abel is going to come and kill me." Amellia said.
"New line here."

I had written this a long time ago and decided to copy and paste it via NG to get feedback and I did do the arrogance thing on purpose thank you for the feedback :D

Response to Porphyria 2011-02-02 21:40:11


At 1/29/11 08:37 AM, legionbear wrote: "Porphyria is what people call the vampire's disease. In our world people feel that this disease is a myth or that its just straight up fake. However there are many who have this disease, many call it a curse but I call it a blessing, People don't take kindly to what I do. Fuck what they think!!! They don't understand that a mans gotta eat, and besides I been hunting people since before I became a vampire. It did get harder to do since I got a record. Damn I fucking hate cops, they're just like other humans except they think they're badge protects them from my wrath. The names Abel, and as of now though I have a new target, another vampire named Amelia. If I consume her I'll become more powerful. I'll get two of my favorite things, Power and murder. I hear she has a kid sister, whose human, hehe. This means I can have some fun with this after all, I cant wait to see the look on Amelia's face as she is drained of her very life".

It's okay, except that you used the word power twice too soon.

If I consume her I'll become more powerful. I'll get two of my favorite things, Power and murder.

Variety makes it less tedious to read. I would also advise breaking this into paragraphs - to make it look easier to read and draw more readers.


( Meanwhile at Amelia's hideout)

If you're serious about writing, lose the brackets. This isn't the proper format.


" I hear that monster Abel is coming to kill me" said Amelia. " That's right what do you plan on doing about this sis" said Amelia's little sister Maria. " I plan on killing him first, in fact ill draw him out and challenge him to a fight to the death" said Amelia. Maria then says, " are you sure that's wise he has killed so many, he is bound to know how to fight".

You've got your tenses wrong. 'said' and 'then says' contradict each other's tenses. Also the dialogue is artificial and cliched.

"How did I know you were gonna show", says Amelia. Abel then smiles and says," I love a party, and by the way your sisters kinda cute maybe me and her can have a good time when this is all over hehe". Maria then looks at him in fear and runs behind Amelia. Amelia then says," who says your gonna be alive when this is all over, I don't plan on sparing you". Abel disregarding what Amelia just said gazes at Maria and Maria's fear then turns into trust, and love. Abel then says, I'm ready when you are beautiful hehe"...

The other guy who critiqued this is right. Break this up into one piece of dialogue per paragraph.


" Some people are just too naive I swear. Some people just ask to be killed hehe. I wonder if they're are any other vampires for me to drain, I feel more powerful already, I hope if there are more then I hope that they are more of a challenge because tonight was easy, what a waste of a life hehe." Abel then cracks his knuckles and says," time to go hunting", he then gets up and searches for his next prey.

You keep switching from past tense to present tense in the story. Decide on a tense, and stick to it.


When I got outside, the purple fog was spreading. I covered my nose and mouth, and ran home.

BBS Signature

Response to Porphyria 2011-02-03 01:16:13


I'd hate to rip into your story, so I won't right now. I will say that your story/writing is plagued with many elementary problems, both technically and stylistically. There really isn't much here, man.


Giving out writing reviews to anyone who wants them (exception: poems. I'll find you).

BBS Signature

Response to Porphyria 2011-02-03 10:51:47


At 1/30/11 07:58 AM, AROSOFTHEDESERT wrote:
At 1/29/11 08:51 AM, legionbear wrote: I'd like some feedback and other ideas would be greatly appreciated thank you ^_^
Besides some minor capitilaztion errors you're pretty spot on. Im not sure if you did this on purpose but Abel's lack of diverse vocabulary makes him seem alot more wrathful, and arrogant. Another thing, after each qoutation, start a new line. This will make it easier to read.

"That monster Abel is going to come and kill me." Amellia said.
"New line here."

Actually, not to be a dick (or further my dick-itude), but there's actually supposed to be a comma at the end of that quotation, like hyah:

"That monster Abel is going to come and kill me," Amellia said.


"There are no nudists in cold areas." - Tsugumi Ohba

BBS Signature

Response to Porphyria 2011-02-03 21:48:49


Thanks for the honesty. The dialogue I messed up in terms of grammar to capture real life speaking in terms of the character Abel. About some of the other stuff you guys are right and I will do better. Finally to the one who said I have nothing here this was my response to Twatlight... erm I mean Twilight lol, but it was just a test run to see if I could bring back the feeling of what vampires are supposed to be. Again thank you for your thoughts

Response to Porphyria 2011-02-04 12:41:30


A comment on the use of "hehe".

Giggling is a great indicator of insanity or mania when properly used, and I think it does add to the story. However, if you're going to use it in writing, it should be treated as descriptive text rather than speech. Normal people (and by that I mean everyone except teenage girls) don't use the words hehe, haha or any other text in speech. You'll notice that even roleplaying games such as the Final Fantasy franchise (noting FF7) here, have moved beyond that particularly poor writing habit.

Response to Porphyria 2011-02-04 15:39:50


About the story: i think that, even if characters are not well defined, you were successfull in communicating what you wanted, i also digged the fact that you like to make act your "anti-heroes" like psychos.
Looks like the other side of twilight: true, sick, painful and humorous.
Nothing like that crap out of the Mayer.