Indulging in Gravity

[DuckyInferno]

So I created and uploaded a song to the audio portal here and was inspired by my own melody to create a fairly depressing piece of poetry:

"Indulging in Gravity"

The imperceptible breeze
competes with the rush
of acceleration past late night business deals
unaware of outside

Glass flashes past
as associates agree
the asphalt becomes more defined
in the eye of the bereaved

The suits close in
and shake the other's hand
while an outsider
has induldged in gravity

:Badge of Deception, the inspiration for this poem.
:http://www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/
371033

[Dr-Worm]

I liked it. The core concept here is very interesting, and some of your word choices and phrasing are really evocative ("associate" is such an impersonal way to describe a person, isn't it?). The only major problem is that in the first stanza the poem trips over itself before it can get a good rhythm going. "Imperceptible" and "acceleration" make their respective lines kind of clunky, and I think they could probably be replaced with some more straightforward synonyms. The transition between the second and third lines is kind of awkward; you might want to consider making the line break at a different point. And the last line seems kind of off. "Unaware of the outside?" "Unaware of what's outside?" I dunno, just some suggestions.

But all in all, this is a pretty decent poem.

[DuckyInferno]

At 10/23/10 05:55 AM, Dr-Worm wrote: I liked it. The core concept here is very interesting, and some of your word choices and phrasing are really evocative ("associate" is such an impersonal way to describe a person, isn't it?). The only major problem is that in the first stanza the poem trips over itself before it can get a good rhythm going. "Imperceptible" and "acceleration" make their respective lines kind of clunky, and I think they could probably be replaced with some more straightforward synonyms. The transition between the second and third lines is kind of awkward; you might want to consider making the line break at a different point. And the last line seems kind of off. "Unaware of the outside?" "Unaware of what's outside?" I dunno, just some suggestions.

But all in all, this is a pretty decent poem.

Awesome critique, Dr-Worm!!! Here goes the poem, modified based on your suggestions:

"Indulging in Gravity"

The invisible breeze
competes with the rush
of late night business deals
unaware of the outside

Glass flashes past
as associates agree
the asphalt becomes more defined
in the eye of the bereaved

The suits close in
and shake the other's hand
while an outsider
has induldged in gravity