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Compos Mentis

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Compos Mentis 2010-03-01 19:21:05


Compos Mentis
I first noticed the whistle two hours ago. I was at a restaurant. I do not remember what the name of the restaurant was. I just know i was having lunch. My lunch consisted of hamburger and fries. I paid for with cash. Not credit cards. Ever. No need for unwanted attention. Anyway, i was eating lunch when the whistle started. It was low at first, and i do not know why it came. I was having a nice, intelligent conversation with a man. It had to be intelligent, as i have no kind of conversations. The whistle was soft, like my ears were about to pop. I ignored it for awhile. Five minutes to be exact. After that, i could no longer hear what the man was saying on account of the loud whistle. The whistle did not stop there, oh no. It got even louder and louder until i had to leave. I suppose that is what happened, as i do not remember. Everything became a blur of faces and buildings. At one point, I know my head started to hurt badly. It felt like my head was splitting in two. Then, I blacked out, which was a mercy from God, I suppose. Fifteen minutes ago, I awoke on my couch. I am now in my hallway, staring at myself in the mirror. The pain in my head is obvious now. I have a deep gash in my right temple. I do not remember how i got it, but i know it is scabbed over, so it was awhile ago. I do not recognize myself in the mirror. My skin is pale, and I have the appearance of vigilante. I cannot look in this mirror anymore. The face is too unbearable. It is not mine. I turn away from the mirror. The hallway is different from what I remember. The walls are now blue, when I remember them to be red. The floor is wood, when all of my floors are carpeted to prevent injury. No need for hospital visits. Doctors ask too many questions. They are too curious. Curiosity killed the cat, as they say. They also say that a cat has nine lives, so who took the other eight. The Devil perhaps. And who is they? Why am i having thoughts about the Devil and cats? I want out of the hallway. It is tight and uncomfortable. I am in my bedroom. How did i get in here? Did i walk? I don't know...but my bedroom is different. It has animals all over it and two beds. My walls were plain white and I am not married and only have one single bed. Why is my house so different? I see out the window in between the beds. It is dark outside. What? Dark? I just had lunch not two hours ago in broad daylight? How long was I out?


I don't care if people know me. I'm just there. I'm like the lead

based paint in a Chinese sweat shop. There.

Response to Compos Mentis 2010-03-01 19:26:46


I know its not that long, but i want all of your opinion to see what i need to improve on. It is one of my first stories.


I don't care if people know me. I'm just there. I'm like the lead

based paint in a Chinese sweat shop. There.

Response to Compos Mentis 2010-03-01 19:44:19


Hate to be blunt, but that was hard to read. Try splitting your writing into different paragraphs with double spacing between, rather than a single solid clump. Makes it easier to read and people will not as likely be driven away.

It was also dull. The character didn't remember anything, except what his possible home had looked like before... something happened to him. Nothing happened, not really. Except the possibility that he went deaf. That's what I got out of it, there was no plot, no character, nothing. Just... stuff. Expand, hugely, cause as it is, it's pretty horrible, and I hate tellin people that.

Response to Compos Mentis 2010-03-01 19:45:51


At 3/1/10 07:44 PM, sinfulwolf wrote:
It was also dull. The character didn't remember anything, except what his possible home had looked like before... something happened to him. Nothing happened, not really. Except the possibility that he went deaf. That's what I got out of it, there was no plot, no character, nothing. Just... stuff. Expand, hugely, cause as it is, it's pretty horrible, and I hate tellin people that.

Okay. No problem. It was my first try and it isn't the whole story. It's will get better. I promise.


I don't care if people know me. I'm just there. I'm like the lead

based paint in a Chinese sweat shop. There.

Response to Compos Mentis 2010-03-01 19:49:33


At 3/1/10 07:45 PM, WhoIsPaul wrote:
Okay. No problem. It was my first try and it isn't the whole story. It's will get better. I promise.

Live and learn eh? Still, I'll check in when you've got more to offer critiques where I can. Hopefully it helps.

Response to Compos Mentis 2010-03-01 20:03:08


At 3/1/10 07:49 PM, sinfulwolf wrote:
At 3/1/10 07:45 PM, WhoIsPaul wrote:
Okay. No problem. It was my first try and it isn't the whole story. It's will get better. I promise.
Live and learn eh? Still, I'll check in when you've got more to offer critiques where I can. Hopefully it helps.

It will. I am only writing the rough draft. I'll post the edited version so you can critique it again. Then, i'll finalize it and put it up here.


I don't care if people know me. I'm just there. I'm like the lead

based paint in a Chinese sweat shop. There.