Bliss Is No More

[Dubbi]

This is based on true story regarding my 8th grade English teacher's death. Don't feel restrained to criticize because of this, I want all the advise and feedback I can get.

Bliss Is No More

The sun shined brightly that morning, her brilliant waves of light went unobstructed by any menacing clouds, for maybe they received the memo of what occur later and ran. I know that if I got that memo, running would be my first response; I'd run past my house, my neighborhood and -most of all-my school, St. Nickolas High. But I can't predict the future, so that day I arose, ate breakfast and waited outside for the school bus, and admired the deceptively auspicious weather, thinking, so naively, that this would be a great day.

The bus arrived right on cue and after entering the vehicle I proceeded to sit next to my buddy, Michael. He has excessively long black hair which his mother begs him to cut, and was wearing the same Metallica sweatshirt that I've seen him wear on every previous bus ride.

"Hey Mike", I said while falling to my seat.
"Hey man, what's up?"
"Nothing really, I just have a good feeling about today."
"Heh, why's that, are you high?" Mike joked, another one of his poor attempts at comedy.
"No, it's just a nice day."

I could not have been more wrong, but in retrospect, there was no way I could have known what would later happen. And as my current History teacher recently told the class, "Hindsight is always 20-20." Now I regret my exuberance, but you really should have seen how beautiful the weather was.
From when I entered school on, time fled away quickly, until my last class nothing in particular happened, but I couldn't help but to notice a slight sadness in all my main teachers' faces, which they all seemed to forcibly conceal. When school neared its end and I and I slowly trudged through the long walk from Tech class to English, I was looking forward to seeing my teacher, Mrs. Walker, but little did I know, I would never again see her.

I finally appeared within her classroom, but instead of being greeted from my Mrs. Walker and seeing her short red hair and plump body, I was greeted by a different woman. And I knew this before ever laying eyes on the substitute; I simply heard her say, "hello" and this "hello" lacked my real English teacher's distinct pitch. Words can't really describe Mrs. Walker's voice, but I'll exalt a few words to the honor of being able to describe it, because now, it's one of the few things I can still remember her by. It was coarse; both high and low pitched in a way I still fail to understand and powerful, trust me, for I've been the victim of its unrestrained power on more than one occasion. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't mean; she just had a giant temper which she sincerely tried to control. There were times when I was sure she would unleash her voice's fury to the class, but instead she just loudly whispered, despite how much she wanted to scream.

And this "hello" by this stranger intruding into our class lacked all these attributes. Though at the time nobody thought too much of it, we were just glad to have no work assigned. But, the next day Mrs. Walker was absent again and then again. And on the fourth day of her sudden departure we were given a permanent substitute, Mrs. Golden. We weren't told why Mrs. Walker left, we were only told that she was sick and would be out for the rest of the year. This gave us no reason to worry about, no reason fear for and no reason to pray for Mrs. Walker. Ironically, earlier in the year, it my English teacher herself, who taught us that ignorance isn't bliss.

Our last few months of English didn't pass as peacefully as Mrs. Golden probably wished. She had done an adequate job teaching and won my sympathy for being assigned to enter a new classroom filled with unfamiliar faces during the final stretch of the year, but she was not our genuine teacher. And in consequence, to no fault of her own, she failed to acquire our highest respect. The class was inordinately obnoxious, loud and unruly and when the final day of school emerged, I knew she was secretly glad. On that day, our main teachers organized a get well letter for Mrs. Walker which we were all obliged to sign. After signing this noble letter, Mike and I requested to write another letter, by ourselves for our beloved teacher which we hadn't seen in so long. With our teachers' poignant approval, we ventured to Mrs. Golden's former classroom to complete our final words-although unknown to us-to Mrs. Walker.

[Dubbi]

Arghh, I missed a paragraph.

Her classroom was ominously desolate; there was complete silence and an uncomfortable feeling in the air. The two of in that room almost felt the like the only two people in the school, but we shrugged it off and began to write the letter. Initially, we had no direction, we just wrote haphazardly about us hoping she'd recover quickly and other things I fail to remember. But finally, a resolute purpose was chosen, we decided to write about the novel, 1984. Each of us had read the book for different assignments in her class and although we both finished the masterpiece, neither one of us finished it before the report was due. Mike was the first one to read it, which he did after Mrs. Walker suggested 1984 for him because she believed it would be one book he'd actually enjoy-and she ended being right-and how I resulted in reading the story is an interesting story in itself.

Our class had gone to the library to choose a work for her latest project, a report on classic a novel. She had compiled a list of over a hundred books, but we were the last class to enter the library causing the available selections to be seriously depleted. While searching for a novel, miraculously I stumbled upon, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. I thought for sure that someone would have chosen it all ready, but apparently no one had. I obtained it and went over to Mrs. Walker so she could sign it out for me.

"Mrs. Walker", I said "Can I read this?"
"No! You're just going to watch the movie!" She vehemently roared.
I was dumbstruck; her typhoon of terrible tones silenced me. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't, that's how intimidating her voice, when angry, can be. Thankfully, Mike was there and came to my rescue.
"Justin, why don't you just read 1984?"
"Someone already picked it", I muttered.
"Wait, Mrs. Walker, if I give Justin my copy, can he use for the report?"
"Fine" She growled grudgingly.

And as the story goes, I procrastinated and when the assignment was due, I was still at the beginning of the book. Luckily, Mike had already read it, allowing him to complete the report for me at lunch, two periods before English class. I still don't understand why she put The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe as an option if she wouldn't let us choose it and why she let me read 1984 even though she probably knew Mike would do the project for me. The sad thing is, Mrs. Walker was the type of teacher you could joke around with and I always planned on telling her this story, but now I'll never have the chance.

Eventually I finished the novel and long conversations spent with Mike concerning our convoluted theories with the book ensued. 1984 is the only book I can remember that not only impressed, but also enraptured me in its pages. Hours of time were spent, between Mike and me, discussing all the little intricacies and messages that the novel contained and if it weren't for Mrs. Walker, these talks would have never occurred. So what better topic was there to write the letter about?

The next three periods of that day, dealt with us cementing our thoughts with the novel onto paper, and for every theory written, a joke or two was jammed in. When the letter was finally completed and given to our math teacher, who promised to send it to Mrs. Walker, we were blessed with a great sense of pride. Several times during that summer, we chatted about whether or not Mrs. Walker received the letter and more importantly whether or not she enjoyed it. But when the following year came causing us to focus on our studies, thoughts about Mrs. Walker gradually started to disappear. For a long time, to my eternal regret now, my mind forgot about her; forget about the laughs, the lessons, and the great times of our English class. This banishment of her in my sub-conscious went uninterrupted until a very sad day about eighteen months after we last saw her.

I was sitting in Spanish class, (the last class of the day) ignoring the notes, when a few words from a girl I barely knew affected me in a way that I've never before experienced. "Did you hear that Mrs. Walker died?" She asked to another student, and I wish I didn't overhear her. For at that moment, all the happiness in the room was sucked out by a vacuum from hell. I was bewildered, she must be lying, there's no way! But, there was something in the tone of her voice, a solemn seriousness that told no lies, which prevented from denying her death, a denial which would've let me remain in my former blissful state.

I waited anxiously, no franticly for the bell to ring; I couldn't stand being there, trapped in a room listening to pointless ramblings spoken in a different language by my teacher, while I knew the fatal of truth of Mrs. Walker. When the bell finally rang, instead of it signifying the cheerful end of the school day it forewarned the dreadful night that would follow. Most of my time on the bus ride home was spent gazing out the window and someone not afflicted with the terrible knowledge that had cursed me, may have thought the weather outside was beautiful. The sun was radiating extraordinary bursts of yellow and to the ignorant person, it must have been breathtaking, but to me, daggers were protruding from the fiery ball in the sky, stabbing me with ferocious force. When the bus driver ordered me to depart the vehicle, I walked dejectedly to my house. As soon as I opened the door, before even say hello to my mom, I dashed to my room and hid under my covers. How could she have died? I asked again and again. I had never felt so depressed, but wait, it was a different feeling, betrayal. Why hadn't anyone told me that Mrs. Walker had cancer? My teachers just said she was sick and that she'd return next year, but she was never going to return.

[sinfulwolf]

It gets your point across, but it's too drawn out. Your foreshadowing is much too blunt, so when you do reveal she's dead, there's no impact. You have a lot of description about the pain you feel at the end, but I wasn't phased, as through the whole thing I knew you were hurting, and I knew what was coming.

Also, try to avoid mentioning specific band names in your work. Could have said "wearing the same ratty band t-shirt he always does," or something along those lines. Not a huge thing, just something that popped out at me. It don't matter here on NG, but it could if you were trying to publish.

[Dubbi]

At 3/1/10 07:53 PM, sinfulwolf wrote: It gets your point across, but it's too drawn out. Your foreshadowing is much too blunt, so when you do reveal she's dead, there's no impact. You have a lot of description about the pain you feel at the end, but I wasn't phased, as through the whole thing I knew you were hurting, and I knew what was coming.

Also, try to avoid mentioning specific band names in your work. Could have said "wearing the same ratty band t-shirt he always does," or something along those lines. Not a huge thing, just something that popped out at me. It don't matter here on NG, but it could if you were trying to publish.

Um... I know what you're saying, so you think I should remove all warnings of her death in the story?
About the band thing: I doubt it really matters, I'm ot trying to get this published, it was just a way to vent...

[sinfulwolf]

I know its a way to vent, and in that regard it doesn't really matter what you do. I was just telling you what I saw from an outsider's perspective. Like I said though, for venting, it don't really matter.

Yeah, the band shirt thing isn't that important. Just something that bugs me a little. It won't really affect yer story, especially since I'm pretty sure I've seen published work with big names like that in it.

[Dubbi]

At 3/1/10 08:41 PM, sinfulwolf wrote: I know its a way to vent, and in that regard it doesn't really matter what you do. I was just telling you what I saw from an outsider's perspective. Like I said though, for venting, it don't really matter.

Yeah, the band shirt thing isn't that important. Just something that bugs me a little. It won't really affect yer story, especially since I'm pretty sure I've seen published work with big names like that in it.

Yeah, but I don't want the fact that this is a venting piece to refrain from criticizing it, just pretend it was fictional....

[sinfulwolf]

In that case, you have my critique.

[Reptyle]

I have also had a much-beloved teacher die during my stay in their class, so I can empathize with your story. Sin is right, though, some of the foreshadowing early on is a bit too obvious, the "hindsight is 20/20" bit was especially clunky, maybe if you integrated it more with the plot, like having your character sit in history class and half listen to his teacher go on about this while his mind wanders. I think that in a piece like this, you should almost try to make the death as shocking to the reader as it was to you.

I think that your teacher would definitely have appreciated the tribute.

[vow2thou]

At 3/1/10 07:18 PM, Dubbi wrote: This is based on true story regarding my 8th grade English teacher's death. Don't feel restrained to criticize because of this, I want all the advise and feedback I can get.

Bliss Is No More

The sun shined brightly that morning, her brilliant waves of light went unobstructed by any menacing clouds, for maybe they received the memo of what occur later and ran.

'Of what was to occur', perhaps?

I know that if I got that memo, running would be my first response; I'd run past my house, my neighborhood and -most of all-my school, St. Nickolas High.

Spacing between hyphens to establish them as dashes (it looks much tidier that way, too), i.e. ...'and -- most of all -- my school'...

But I can't predict the future, so that day I arose, ate breakfast and waited outside for the school bus, and admired the deceptively auspicious weather, thinking, so naively, that this would be a great day.

There seems to be a mouthful of 'and's here. Consider ...'the school bus, admiring the... ...weather -- thinking, so naively, that'...

The bus arrived right on cue and after entering the vehicle I proceeded to sit next to my buddy, Michael. He has excessively long black hair which his mother begs him to cut, and was wearing the same Metallica sweatshirt that I've seen him wear on every previous bus ride.

"Hey Mike", I said while falling to my seat.
"Hey man, what's up?"
"Nothing really, I just have a good feeling about today."
"Heh, why's that, are you high?" Mike joked, another one of his poor attempts at comedy.
"No, it's just a nice day."

Firstly, comma within inverted commas! Might just be an oversight.

Secondly, and it happens quite often in my experience... a double negative does not create a positive. Using bad humour, then explaining that it is bad humour, does not make it good humour. As such, these last two lines of dialogue feel a little redundant.

I could not have been more wrong, but in retrospect, there was no way I could have known what would later happen. And as my current History teacher recently told the class, "Hindsight is always 20-20." Now I regret my exuberance, but you really should have seen how beautiful the weather was.
From when I entered school on, time fled away quickly, until my last class nothing in particular happened,

Sentence is garbled. Were you thinking something like: ...'entered school time fled away quickly, and up until'...

And this "hello" by this stranger intruding into our class lacked all these attributes. Though at the time nobody thought too much of it, we were just glad to have no work assigned. But, the next day Mrs. Walker was absent again and then again. And on the fourth day of her sudden departure we were given a permanent substitute, Mrs. Golden. We weren't told why Mrs. Walker left, we were only told that she was sick and would be out for the rest of the year. This gave us no reason to worry about, no reason fear for

...'for fear'...?

and no reason to pray for Mrs. Walker. Ironically, earlier in the year, it my English teacher herself, who taught us that ignorance isn't bliss.

Her classroom was ominously desolate; there was complete silence and an uncomfortable feeling in the air. The two of in that room

The two of us in that room...

almost felt the like the only two people in the school, but we

If the prior point is taken aboard, then you can remove this repetition of two.

shrugged it off and began to write the letter. Initially, we had no direction, we just wrote haphazardly about us hoping she'd recover quickly and other things I fail to remember.

I was sitting in Spanish class, (the last class of the day) ignoring the notes, when a few words from a girl I barely knew affected me in a way that I've never before experienced. "Did you hear that Mrs. Walker died?" She asked to another student, and I wish I didn't overhear her. For at that moment, all the happiness in the room was sucked out by a vacuum from hell.

A vacuum from hell? Doesn't fit the tone at all. You've just gone Underworld on my ass.

I was bewildered, she must be lying, there's no way! But, there was something in the tone of her voice, a solemn seriousness that told no lies, which prevented from denying her death, a denial which would've let me remain in my former blissful state.

I waited anxiously, no franticly for the bell to ring;

Seperate these thoughts with dashes, i.e. ...'anxiously - no, frantically - for the bell'...

I couldn't stand being there, trapped in a room listening to pointless ramblings spoken in a different language by my teacher, while I knew the fatal of truth of Mrs. Walker. When the bell finally rang, instead of it signifying the cheerful end of the school day it forewarned the dreadful night that would follow. Most of my time on the bus ride home was spent gazing out the window and someone

perhaps consider a comma after 'window', to separate thoughts. Perhaps a period.

not afflicted with the terrible knowledge that had cursed me, may have thought the weather outside was beautiful.

With the previous point considered, the comma following 'me' can be dropped.

The sun was radiating extraordinary bursts of yellow and to the ignorant person, it must have been breathtaking,

Period substitutes comma. Cap 'b' follows... obviously.

but to me, daggers were protruding from the fiery ball in the sky, stabbing me with ferocious force. When the bus driver ordered me to depart the vehicle, I walked dejectedly to my house. As soon as I opened the door, before even say

Saying...

hello to my mom, I dashed to my room and hid under my covers. How could she have died? I asked again and again. I had never felt so depressed,

Again, consider period for comma.

but wait, it was a different feeling, betrayal.

Consider colon after 'feeling'.

Why hadn't anyone told me that Mrs. Walker had cancer? My teachers just said she was sick and that she'd return next year, but she was never going to return.

Opinions? No impact. Firstly... please, please, pleeeease don't say what the story is about before delivering the story! It ruins it. Completely. Provide artistic comments at the end, if you must. Personal suggestion. Aside from knowing already what happened... as already mentioned before, you know there's something wrong from the word go, and you know it's absolute, so there's no dynamic. That means the story doesn't really grip you. I think by the time I'd hit the second post, I knew what was going to happen. And not in that 'ahh haa, I knew it!' kinda way. Admittedly, it got a little dreary to read towards the end.

As an account, it works. As a story, it doesn't. And it's written like a story, so one must assume that is what it is. If you must make her fate obvious from the get-go, then you need to create empathy between reader and character. Neither your lead, nor the teacher, provoke much sympathy, so I don't feel for them.

I'm short on positives, I'm afraid. Not your strongest piece by far; though, from what I can tell, it seemed like it was reaction writing that you just wanted to get out there.

[Imperator]

Minor Points:

maybe they received the memo of what occur later and ran

"received the memo of what would occur later"

From when I entered school on

just "when". It already applies the point from which the day proceeds.

time fled away quickly

stylistic:
fled quickly away.

From when I entered school on, time fled away quickly, until my last class nothing in particular happened, but I couldn't help but to notice a slight sadness in all my main teachers' faces, which they all seemed to forcibly conceal.

Massive sentence, break it up a bit.

When school neared its end and I and I

reduplication typo.

And I knew this before

don't bother starting sentences with "and" except in dialogue or rare circumstances. Periods denote stops, "and" denotes a continuation.

I simply heard her say, "hello" and this "hello" lacked my real English teacher's distinct pitch.

end the sentence after "hello". It's implied that the recognition comes from voice differences.

Words can't really describe Mrs. Walker's voice, but I'll exalt a few words to the honor of being able to describe it, because now, it's one of the few things I can still remember her by.

I think you can scratch this entire sentence. If you feel necessary, you can add a sentence at the end of your description relating that your description doesn't do the voice full justice. Otherwise, you're stating "words can't describe", and then proceed to describe.

and powerful, trust me, for I've been the victim of its unrestrained power on more than one occasion

Rewrite:
"and powerful, for I've been the victim"

Don't get me wrong, she wasn't mean; she just had a giant temper which she sincerely tried to control.

scratch "Don't get me wrong". You're overusing phrases like that: "trust me" "don't get me wrong", "you wouldn't believe" etc. They're good for comedic effect, as occasional suppositions to the audience on a well established character performing an action that is out of character. A character well known for brash actions doing something delicate would be a good place for the author to use a sentence like "I know, Captain Blunt Instrument using a delicate touch, the irony", as internal monologue of the character himself commenting on the irony of the situation.

But you're writing from a serious standpoint, there's no need to state such. It's almost like writing "I'm super serious guys!". It detracts from the tone of the story.

Also, you seem a little zealous with your use of semicolons.

And this "hello" by this stranger

replace one "this" with "the".

But, the next day Mrs. Walker was absent again and then again. And on the fourth day of her sudden departure we were given a permanent substitute, Mrs. Golden.

Rewrite:
"The next day Mrs. Walker was absent again. And again. On the fourth day of her sudden departure we were given a permanent substitute, Mrs. Golden."

And in consequence, to no fault of her own, she failed to acquire our highest respect

Scratch "and in consequence". It's implied.

After signing this noble letter, Mike and I requested to write another letter, by ourselves for our beloved teacher which we hadn't seen in so long.

Rewrite:
"After signing this noble letter, Mike and I requested to write another letter by ourselves, for the beloved teacher whom we hadn't seen in so long."

The two of in that room

insert "us". typo.

almost felt the like the only two

reduplication typo. scratch first "the".

we just wrote haphazardly about us hoping she'd recover quickly and other things I fail to remember

scratch "about us" and "other things I fail to remember".

But finally, a resolute purpose was chosen, we decided to write about the novel, 1984.

scratch "But", insert "and" after chosen, remove the comma.

Mike was the first one to read it, which he did after Mrs. Walker suggested 1984 for him because she believed it would be one book he'd actually enjoy-and she ended being right-and how I resulted in reading the story is an interesting story in itself.

Rewrite:
"Mike was the first one to read it, which he did after Mrs. Walker suggested 1984 for him because she believed it would be one book he'd actually enjoy -she ended up being right."

You don't need a sentence explaining there's a story about how you came to read 1984 if you proceed directly in telling it. You should use lines like that when it's information you don't intend to supply, or intend to supply later. "Funny story, more on that later" or "Interesting story I won't get into" kinda thing.

a report on classic a novel

typo. a before classic.

but we were the last class to enter the library causing the available selections to be seriously depleted.

replace causing with "meaning" or "leaving". Being the last class didn't cause the list to drop.

While searching for a novel, miraculously I stumbled upon, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

scratch miraculously. You go into no detail as to why it's miraculous, and it's completely tangent to the story anyways, so it's not really miraculous.

her typhoon of terrible tones silenced me

nice alliteration, but I think it's a little misplaced. Besides, she's only giving one tone, vehemence. "Barrage", "assault", "thunderous voice" would be better descriptions.

that's how intimidating her voice, when angry, can be

scratch.

can he use for the report?

*it. typo.

And as the story goes,

scratch. You're telling me "as the story goes" in the middle of telling the story.

and long conversations spent with Mike

and spent long conversations with Mike. Yoda talk do in English not you can.

ensued

scratch. You already have a verb, spent.

not only impressed, but also

scratch.

The next three periods of that day, dealt with us cementing our thoughts with the novel onto paper, and for every theory written, a joke or two was jammed in.

Rewrite:
"The next three periods of that day we cemented our thoughts on the novel, and for every theory written, we jammed in a joke or two."

To be addressed later:
Consider rewriting as many passives to actives.

forget

forgot

, and I wish I didn't overhear her. For at that moment, all the happiness in the room was sucked out by a vacuum from hell.

rewrite:
". I wish I didn't hear her, for at that moment all the happiness...."

I waited anxiously, no franticly for the bell to ring;

I waited anxiously, desperately, frantically for the bell to ring. PERIOD. You're hereby banned from semicolon use.

The sun was radiating extraordinary bursts of yellow and to the ignorant person, it must have been breathtaking, but to me, daggers were protruding from the fiery ball in the sky, stabbing me with ferocious force.

This is the sort of description you should be giving THROUGHOUT your story.

before even say hello to my mom

saying

As soon as I opened the door, before even say hello to my mom, I dashed to my room and hid under my covers

Note the difference here between your usual sentences. I dashed, I hid. Active voice, it brings pep to the sentences and makes it more interesting. Active voice makes the story seem more....active. Passive voice makes the story seem more....passive. I know, I'm as surprised as you are. ;)

I asked again and again

insert "it" or use direct quotes.

but wait,

replace with "yet there was another feeling".

I'm actually out of characters (and time for the moment), so I'll be getting to Major Points and my Overall sections later on.

[munio]

the use of actual band names makes it more personal showing that it's in first person perspective

[Dubbi]

At 3/2/10 07:31 AM, vow2thou wrote:

:.

Opinions? No impact. Firstly... please, please, pleeeease don't say what the story is about before delivering the story! It ruins it. Completely. Provide artistic comments at the end, if you must. Personal suggestion. Aside from knowing already what happened... as already mentioned before, you know there's something wrong from the word go, and you know it's absolute, so there's no dynamic. That means the story doesn't really grip you. I think by the time I'd hit the second post, I knew what was going to happen. And not in that 'ahh haa, I knew it!' kinda way. Admittedly, it got a little dreary to read towards the end.

As an account, it works. As a story, it doesn't. And it's written like a story, so one must assume that is what it is. If you must make her fate obvious from the get-go, then you need to create empathy between reader and character. Neither your lead, nor the teacher, provoke much sympathy, so I don't feel for them.

I'm short on positives, I'm afraid. Not your strongest piece by far; though, from what I can tell, it seemed like it was reaction writing that you just wanted to get out there.

You're completly right! I messed up, there's no story, just me telling you what happned. And to make matters worse, I told you what happened in the beginning. What's the point further reading? Other than some good descriptions (vanity), there's nothing really redeemable about this story and thus, it must rewritten. Well back to the drawing board!

By the way, I loved the criticism and just because this one kinda sucked, my next ones will be better. Maybe I can still be a professional author yet!

[Imperator]

Major Points:

Overall I think this story is very dry, despite the passion I can sense behind it.

On the one hand there is definitely a "feel" to it, on the other, a lot of your stylistic decisions and literary devices deflate the emotion, tension and movement of the story.

I will give one general rule that you can use, and should use:

1.) Whenever possible, USE ACTIVE VOICE verbs. By definition, these are action packed. They give the story a much better flow, pace, and a life. Using passive verbs often times makes a work sound like a term paper or research piece. Something that belongs with stiff bureaucrats or crusty old scientists. Bottom line, too much passive voice makes your work boring.

It really doesn't matter what tense you use, past, present, or future. But there's a remarkable difference between "The ball was thrown by Mark" and "Mark threw the ball".

In fact, think of a particularly impressive action sequence in one of your favorite books. Find the book, and re-read the scene. See how many passive verbs are used. I'm guessing few to nill. Hell, some authors even skirt around the verb "to be". Instead of "I was scared, lonely, and desperate", they'll just write "Scared, lonely, and desperate, I reached into my bag and grasped the etc etc etc".

I'll give several examples:

Hours of time were spent, between Mike and me

We spent hours.

The next three periods of that day, dealt with us cementing our thoughts with the novel onto paper

We spent the next three periods cementing.

When the letter was finally completed and given to our math teacher, who promised to send it to Mrs. Walker, we were blessed with a great sense of pride.

"Finally finishing the letter, we gave it to our math teacher, who promised to send it to Mrs. Walker. our job complete, our hearts filled with a great sense of pride and joy."

Etc.
Finish, promise, fill, bless, run, skip, play, MOVE. Action. Action action action.

Go through and really look how many passive verbs you use. They suck the life right out of the story.

2.) Foreshadowing.

Mrs. Walker, but little did I know, I would never again see her.

It's at this point I as a reader suspect she is either sick, dead, or living in some far distant country.

We weren't told why Mrs. Walker left, we were only told that she was sick and would be out for the rest of the year. This gave us no reason to worry about, no reason fear for and no reason to pray for Mrs. Walker

It's at this point I as a reader know she died.
Why? Because you already mentioned you would never see her again, and at this point, you mention she was sick. Sorta only one conclusion to draw at this point.

This sentence is actually the climax of your story. As readers, this is where the meat of the work is, this is where the suspense and tension is, this is the height of the emotion.

So when you finally reveal she's dead, we as readers are 9 steps ahead of you, and it really does come as no shock, and we are not really connected with the drama when you (as a character in your story) come to the realization. The reader already knows.

Fear, surprise, shock, rage, inspiration, and even love in literature all work on the same principle. If they come as a sudden realization to the character in the story, they must come as a sudden realization to the audience to be effective.

Think of bad horror flicks. Why are they bad? Because they're not actually scary. The reason they're not scary is because the audience already knows which actors are getting killed off before the movie progresses to that point.

You have to immerse us in the story, and keep us immersed to keep us interested and reading on. Honestly, I could have stopped reading after the first 5 paragraphs or so, I already knew how everything would end.

Which brings me to 3:
3.) Immerse us in your story with description.

Outside of a couple very nice moments, there is not a whole lot of depth here. It's very cut and dry. I go to school. I write letter. I find out teacher has died. I am sad.

I think the best moment in the story is here:

The sun was radiating extraordinary bursts of yellow and to the ignorant person, it must have been : breathtaking, but to me, daggers were protruding from the fiery ball in the sky, stabbing me with
ferocious force

This is quite a nice visualization, and provides a decent depth, both for the atmosphere of the scene, and the emotional impact.

Why isn't the rest of your story written this way?

Same with your first sentence:

The sun shined brightly that morning, her brilliant waves of light went unobstructed by any menacing clouds

Where's this, describing everything else in your story? You seem pretty good at describing the sun. Now we just have to work on the rest of reality. ;)

Really, if you describe the weather with enough color and depth

but you really should have seen how beautiful the weather was.

That is not needed. SHOW us with your words how beautiful the weather is.

Honestly, it's ok to spend several paragraphs interrupting action with detail and description. I once wondered if I spent too much time in my own writing describing the scene and not enough moving the story forward. But honestly, I don't do that any more.

I've found authors I enjoy, authors who capture my attention, spend one sentence stating "woman walks into the room, sits down in chair", and spend the next two pages describing the woman. Especially if she's hot, in which case, entire paragraphs are devoted to mannerisms, golden hair flowing delicately from her shoulders, the shape of her legs as sinews of femininity and sexuality, innocence and experience, sensuous curves running the length of her body........where was I? Anyway, point is, you need to describe things more.

Closing Remarks:

There's definitely an undercurrent of raw emotion in this story, I think you just need to spend more time drawing us into the story, and drawing out that energy.

1.) Change as many passives to actives as possible.
2.) Keep us interested by not giving away the ending of the story by paragraph #3. Tension is good, 5 sentences foreshadowing her death is overkill. You need exactly zero.
3.) Describe. As much as you can. Paint the canvas. If all you say is "I walk to bus stop", all I'm drawing is a stick figure and a sign that says "bus stop". If you describe the sun, the wind, the grass, the mood you are in, the smells, sounds, colors, and sights, I'll draw you this. You write "I met my buddy, told him he has nice shoes", with no other description, I'm drawing http://saltwater.typepad.com/photos/unca tegorized/stick_figure3.jpg. Err on the side of caution and be overly descriptive if necessary. Because boring and colorful is still better than boring and blank or grey.

Start your story talking about the lovely day. Keep the cloud metaphor going by saying something like "impending storm". Build tension by describing your experiences with her class better, and showing a contrast between the "clouds" in paragraph 1. Describe the world's most perfect day, teacher, and , because that in itself will build plenty of tension for the inevitable. No other foreshadowing is really necessary after that. Otherwise, it's basically writing, "remember, something's gonna happen eventually!" every 2 paragraphs or so.

I think if you give those a shot, the underlying movement and feel of the story will present itself much clearer and more vividly. The subsequent draft of this story would be much more colorful and passionate.

Cheers.

[Dubbi]

Great advice as usual Imperator and I can't help but think of how much of an idiot I am. I didn't use active (just realized this now) because I didn't want to start every sentence with I or me and I thought what I was doing would flow better! Also. I'm pretty new to the concept of passive vs active so can you elaborate?

Anyway this will be rewritten! Thanks everybody for all the constructive feedback and rest assured I will follow it. No more overly long sentences, revealing the ending in the beginning and using the passive for you dubbi!

[TrevorW]

I think anyone with a lover for literature has that phase where they think the longer the sentence the better. I know I was the same way a year ago...at one point I could cover a page with 5 sentences...none of which were really enjoyable at that length.

Keep it up Dubbi

[Imperator]

At 3/2/10 09:58 PM, Dubbi wrote: Great advice as usual Imperator and I can't help but think of how much of an idiot I am. I didn't use active (just realized this now) because I didn't want to start every sentence with I or me and I thought what I was doing would flow better! Also. I'm pretty new to the concept of passive vs active so can you elaborate?

Sure.
I'll give both some grammatical and practical explanations.

English has two voices, active and passive. Active voice means subject verbs the direct object. It is direct. The subject of the sentence has a direct affect on the object of the action. Mark throws the ball.

In passive voice, it is "the subject is verbed by the indirect object". It is indirect. The subject of the sentence is actually the recipient of the action, and the indirect object becomes the actor. The ball is thrown by Mark.

Practically this is a difference between how you view the subject of your sentence. As the facilitator of the actions, or the recipient of them. It's a difference on where the focus of the sentence lies.

Mark threw the ball. The focus is on Mark.
The ball was thrown by Mark. The focus is on the ball.

It's the difference between you doing things, vs things being done by you. Syntactically they are the same, the action is still being done by the same person.

Stylistically there's a big difference, in that you are distancing the actor from the action. In some sense it removes responsibility, as it tries to relate things as consequence rather than cause.

The ball is thrown. Consequence. The ball is where it is because of an external force.
Mark threw. Cause. Mark becomes the force itself.

In action scenes, you want your actor to facilitate the actions. You want the focus to be on the "doer", not the objects in his path. Ex:

"The ball was grabbed by Mark. It was hurled through the air. Cindy was struck in the head by the ball."

vs

"Mark grabbed the ball, and hurled it through the air. The ball struck Cindy in the head."

Can you see and feel the difference? The first is all passive voice. The latter is all active. Same event, but there's definitely a different tone and movement. The first one is boring and dry, the second isn't. Then you add description, and you're off and running.

"Mark angrily grabbed the ball, and with all his force hurled it through the air. The ball struck Cindy square in the head with a sickening thud".

here's a good example of someone who is pretty good at writing action. If you get the chance, read it. It's almost entirely written in the active voice. He has the same problem with you though, in that he lacks a lot of description to give the scene more color. I actually am finding many authors here are afraid of description for some reason. It may just be that's one area of writing where I excel, with my detriments in other areas.

I used to have the same problem with passive voice writing papers for class. One prof actually told me the same thing, literally wrote "Reading your papers bores me to tears". When I improved, she would leave comments like "This has movement and life to it" or "There's definitely some passion and kick to this research".

Just goes to show, even history can be exciting and not written all boring and dreary.....
Moral of the story:
Active tense is exciting. Passive tense is boring, and painful to read.

"Verb". It's what you do.

("Is Verbed". It's what's being done to you.)

someone please get that joke and tell me they've seen those Verb commercials.

[Imperator]

At 3/2/10 10:05 PM, TrevorW wrote: I think anyone with a lover for literature has that phase where they think the longer the sentence the better. I know I was the same way a year ago...at one point I could cover a page with 5 sentences...none of which were really enjoyable at that length.

Keep it up Dubbi

Well I've been there as a lover of literature......just not sure I've ever had a lover for literature.
I think they usually lovers for other purposes...... ;)

But yes. For each massive sentence I ask people to break up on these boards, consider it two massive clusterfucks of a sentence I've had to break up on my own papers.

unfortunately English doesn't lend itself well to writing massive Ciceronian sentences. Cicero's Latin is ridiculous. He'd even beat you Trevor, I've seen entire orations that are no more than 5 complete sentences. As you may guess, Latin dependent clauses have carved a special nook in my heart. Spend 3 pages searching for the main verb amidst 15 dependent clauses, and call me in the morning. :)