Revaltion, a short story

[TheSubject666]

I recently wrote this for a battle thread but I would like to believe it is deserving of its own thread.

Revelation
Part1/2
It was a cold night, but not as cold as the dead body that lay at my feet. "Jacob, Jacob, Jacob! Why?!" I fell to my knees, grasping my friend's cold hand, holding it tight. "Why . . ." I began to cry as pain shot through my body, lingering at my finger tips. The dead silence of the night remained as I rocked back and forth. Somewhere above an owl hooted. I looked up just in time to see its shadow cross the pale moon.
Dinner was small that night. With blood shot eyes I cooked some meat in silence, and sat eating it all alone. Jacob was gone, and with him any companionship I ever had. There I was. Alone. I was stuck in the woods, so far away from anyone else. The reality was terrifying. Eventually I slept, and the nightmares began.
It was a small room. Dark, but still somehow lit but some unseen light. A figure stood in the corner with head phones on, head banging with a smile on his face. A sense of heat radiated off of him. It was different then normal heat. It felt-Wrong. The figure turned around, revealing a face with sharp cheeks, an outthrust chin, a fiendish grin, and dark red eyes. As he took the headphones off I could hear the last chords of "Cowboys From Hell". The figure smiled, revealing long, yellowed teeth.
"Finally you're here! I've been waiting for so long after that last guy . . . But enough about him, more about you." The figure said. His voice was deep and rich. It seemed to rumble, and it didn't seem like it could come from such a thin, tall man.
"Where am I?" I muttered groggily, my eyes darting around, soaking up every bit of scenery I could. The man laughed, revealing those sickly teeth once again. The man, or whatever he was turned towards me.
"You're dreaming of course." The man said.
"Really?"
"Fuck no." The man laughed as if it was all some big elaborate joke. His grin turned into a straight line of thin, pressed lips.
"Then where?"
"You are in your own little quiet version of Hell." I fell back onto the ground, shocked. I shook my head and pinched myself. Nothing happened.
"You must be kidding." I said, stuttering in fear.
"I'm Satan child, why should I lie? The only thing I have to worry about is that old snot up there coming down here and giving me some more whining fallen angels. You're already condemned, so really, why should I lie to you?"
"But I didn't die. I'm still alive."
"And you just killed somebody. Heck, relax! This is just a vision, or as He would say, a 'prophecy'." At this Satan chuckled, "Oh him with all his melodrama and floods and signs. I told him before, the only way to get them to understand is to tell them straight up, no riddles or shit like that. That only makes them mess up more."
"So that's why I'm here? You want to tell me something?" I asked, my mind whirling in shock. Satan chuckled again and walked over to me. He offered me his hand. I took it and he pulled me up.
"I like you kid. You're smart. You don't let fear take control of you. You also have guts. Killing your friend like that-Whoo! It was a spectacle to watch. He was practically twice your size and twice your weight, and you still dropped him quicker then anyone I've ever seen." The man said, the smile returned to his face.
I winced when he mentioned Jacob. I just wanted to forget about it all, leave it behind. I knew it was impossible, but might as well try. "What did you want to tell me?" I asked.
"Once again staying on top and cutting right to the chase! I like you more and more kid, I like you more and more," Satan said. Suddenly the expression left his face. Slowly the skin that made his body began to melt away. Red scales and spikes replaced the smooth skin. The face of a man disappeared to reveal the head of a snake, "I want to tell you, about the end of the world. It's coming kid, trust me. It may be tomorrow, but be a hundred years from now, but hell, its coming."
I nodded slowly, trying to comprehend what the devil had said. "Continue." I said slowly.
"If it comes, sorry, when it comes, the first sign will be the moon. It's cycle will change and be messed up. Weeks and weeks of no moon in sight, and only a few hours of full moon when every its there.
"The second sign will be much less obvious. Animals will start to act weird. Normal household dogs will go rabid for no reason what so ever, deer will be highly attentive of humans, rats will breed faster then rabbits. People will notice this for sure, but that's why I made Science. Most of its true, but sometimes it gives people a chance to believe weird things aren't just weird, but there's a reason for them, a normal, mundane reason.
"That's the weird thing about you guys. You can never just accept something for what it is. It always has to some explanation, something you can understand. You guys need to get that, some things JUST happen. There's no reason, they just happen. Anyway, back to the Apocalypse.
"People like you will start to be affected. People will change their mood. A lot of men and women getting pissed off at each other. Marriages will be divorced, relationships tattered and ruined. After that a sense of dread will fill everyone. That's when the signs stop and the shit hits the fan."
He paused, quizzically studying how I reacted. I was staring at him with a sense of amazement. There was something about him that made me believe him, something just fit. He took a breath and continued.
"First the fires will start. Entire forests burnt down in hours, killing thousands of plants and animals. Constant rains will shower your cities and towns as the angels begin to weep.
"Then my men begin to pour out of the sewers. I've planned the entire thing out. All the electricity will go out in the cities. Then we start pouring out with torches, hooting and hollering, light shit on fire, the whole shtick.
"Right afterwards His guys will start coming down to 'defend' you. We stage a few huge fights, blow up some things, disappear and leave you guys to the rest. You know the original Four Horsemen? We don't need them anymore! Craziest thing ever, but you guys will do the jobs yourselves.
"As soon as we're gone the whole world will erupt with religious wars right and left. Entire nations will be split into various factions, each trying to gain control of one thing we leave on the surface."
I cocked my head in curiosity. "What do you leave?"
"A boy. Just a god dam run of the mill child with nothing special about him, but people will be so shocked by what just happened they'll believe anything! And incredibly quickly somebody points out how the boy might've been left by the angels and the whole world erupts in war over the next Jesus Christ or Muhammad. But he's not Jesus, or a prophet at all, he's just a boy."
"But that doesn't matter." I say, shaking my head in amazement at this huge detailed plan Satan had come up with. "Because they won't know that."

[TheSubject666]

srry, forgot to double space it

here s the spaced version

Revelation

It was a cold night, but not as cold as the dead body that lay at my feet. "Jacob, Jacob, Jacob! Why?!" I fell to my knees, grasping my friend's cold hand, holding it tight. "Why . . ." I began to cry as pain shot through my body, lingering at my finger tips. The dead silence of the night remained as I rocked back and forth. Somewhere above an owl hooted. I looked up just in time to see its shadow cross the pale moon.

Dinner was small that night. With blood shot eyes I cooked some meat in silence, and sat eating it all alone. Jacob was gone, and with him any companionship I ever had. There I was. Alone. I was stuck in the woods, so far away from anyone else. The reality was terrifying. Eventually I slept, and the nightmares began.

It was a small room. Dark, but still somehow lit but some unseen light. A figure stood in the corner with head phones on, head banging with a smile on his face. A sense of heat radiated off of him. It was different then normal heat. It felt-Wrong. The figure turned around, revealing a face with sharp cheeks, an outthrust chin, a fiendish grin, and dark red eyes. As he took the headphones off I could hear the last chords of "Cowboys From Hell". The figure smiled, revealing long, yellowed teeth.

"Finally you're here! I've been waiting for so long after that last guy . . . But enough about him, more about you." The figure said. His voice was deep and rich. It seemed to rumble, and it didn't seem like it could come from such a thin, tall man.

"Where am I?" I muttered groggily, my eyes darting around, soaking up every bit of scenery I could. The man laughed, revealing those sickly teeth once again. The man, or whatever he was turned towards me.

"You're dreaming of course." The man said.

"Really?"

"Fuck no." The man laughed as if it was all some big elaborate joke. His grin turned into a straight line of thin, pressed lips.

"Then where?"

"You are in your own little quiet version of Hell." I fell back onto the ground, shocked. I shook my head and pinched myself. Nothing happened.

"You must be kidding." I said, stuttering in fear.

"I'm Satan child, why should I lie? The only thing I have to worry about is that old snot up there coming down here and giving me some more whining fallen angels. You're already condemned, so really, why should I lie to you?"

"But I didn't die. I'm still alive."

"And you just killed somebody. Heck, relax! This is just a vision, or as He would say, a 'prophecy'." At this Satan chuckled, "Oh him with all his melodrama and floods and signs. I told him before, the only way to get them to understand is to tell them straight up, no riddles or shit like that. That only makes them mess up more."

"So that's why I'm here? You want to tell me something?" I asked, my mind whirling in shock. Satan chuckled again and walked over to me. He offered me his hand. I took it and he pulled me up.

"I like you kid. You're smart. You don't let fear take control of you. You also have guts. Killing your friend like that-Whoo! It was a spectacle to watch. He was practically twice your size and twice your weight, and you still dropped him quicker then anyone I've ever seen." The man said, the smile returned to his face.

I winced when he mentioned Jacob. I just wanted to forget about it all, leave it behind. I knew it was impossible, but might as well try. "What did you want to tell me?" I asked.

"Once again staying on top and cutting right to the chase! I like you more and more kid, I like you more and more," Satan said. Suddenly the expression left his face. Slowly the skin that made his body began to melt away. Red scales and spikes replaced the smooth skin. The face of a man disappeared to reveal the head of a snake, "I want to tell you, about the end of the world. It's coming kid, trust me. It may be tomorrow, but be a hundred years from now, but hell, its coming."

I nodded slowly, trying to comprehend what the devil had said. "Continue." I said slowly.
"If it comes, sorry, when it comes, the first sign will be the moon. It's cycle will change and be messed up. Weeks and weeks of no moon in sight, and only a few hours of full moon when every its there.

"The second sign will be much less obvious. Animals will start to act weird. Normal household dogs will go rabid for no reason what so ever, deer will be highly attentive of humans, rats will breed faster then rabbits. People will notice this for sure, but that's why I made Science. Most of its true, but sometimes it gives people a chance to believe weird things aren't just weird, but there's a reason for them, a normal, mundane reason.

"That's the weird thing about you guys. You can never just accept something for what it is. It always has to some explanation, something you can understand. You guys need to get that, some things JUST happen. There's no reason, they just happen. Anyway, back to the Apocalypse.

"People like you will start to be affected. People will change their mood. A lot of men and women getting pissed off at each other. Marriages will be divorced, relationships tattered and ruined. After that a sense of dread will fill everyone. That's when the signs stop and the shit hits the fan."

He paused, quizzically studying how I reacted. I was staring at him with a sense of amazement. There was something about him that made me believe him, something just fit. He took a breath and continued.

"First the fires will start. Entire forests burnt down in hours, killing thousands of plants and animals. Constant rains will shower your cities and towns as the angels begin to weep.

"Then my men begin to pour out of the sewers. I've planned the entire thing out. All the electricity will go out in the cities. Then we start pouring out with torches, hooting and hollering, light shit on fire, the whole shtick.

"Right afterwards His guys will start coming down to 'defend' you. We stage a few huge fights, blow up some things, disappear and leave you guys to the rest. You know the original Four Horsemen? We don't need them anymore! Craziest thing ever, but you guys will do the jobs yourselves.

"As soon as we're gone the whole world will erupt with religious wars right and left. Entire nations will be split into various factions, each trying to gain control of one thing we leave on the surface."

I cocked my head in curiosity. "What do you leave?"
"A boy. Just a god dam run of the mill child with nothing special about him, but people will be so shocked by what just happened they'll believe anything! And incredibly quickly somebody points out how the boy might've been left by the angels and the whole world erupts in war over the next Jesus Christ. But he's not Jesus, he's just a boy."

"But that doesn't matter." I say, shaking my head in amazement at this huge detailed plan Satan had come up with. "Because they won't know that."

[TheSubject666]

Revelation
Part 2/2

"Exactly!" At this point Satan was caught in the moment. Smoke started curling out of his nostrils and flames licked his lips. "Next thing you know nukes start flying around, and then . . ." Satan stopped, growing silent as he calmed himself down.

"And then?" I asked.

"And then-- I might as well show you." Satan said and he clicked his fingers. Slowly the dim walls disappeared, revealing an endless plane of dry, scorched land. Frail ashes floated through the air on a slow, tired wind. Ruins of buildings littered my sight. The moon shone up above, all alone in the pitch black night sky. Somewhere something cracked and fell, sounding like thunder against the silence.

"We're gone" I whispered quietly, gazing in awe at the world that surrounded me. Satan nodded.

"Yup."

"Is there anything we can do?"

"Nothing at all. Just sit there and spread what I have told you."

"They'll call me crazy."

"Aren't we all? But trust me, some will believe you, and its those few that matter." Satan finished. Slowly a small hatch opened up in the ground. People started crawling out. There was about fifty of them. They gazed at what had happened around them, many sobbing, others sitting on the ground, silent.

"But there's so few." I said, realizing they had no chance.

"As much as I hate it there are more."

"So there's still hope?"

"Trust me, with that big old soppy melodramatic guy up there," Satan said, pointing at the sky, "there is always hope."

"But how will they know what to do."

"They will go North."

"Why?"

"Because one crazy man will be with them to show them the way." With Satan's word an old and tired form of a bearded man climbed out of the hatch. Survivors ran to help him up. Quietly, the feeble man pointed to the north. As the group departed, I caught the old man's eyes, staring straight at me. Those eyes were mine.

"Thank you." I said quietly. Satan smiled.

"Hey, I need someone to taint and torture. Can't just let you guys all go down."

"Is that all?"

"Yup. Was nice meeting you. Maybe someday you can help me out in my home. I need young blood like you that won't whine and complain like fallen angels do. Just remember, spread the word around. See you later."

"See you." The devil began to snap his fingers, "Wait!" I yelled. The devil stopped.

"Yeah kiddo?"

"Will it really be that bad?"

"Let's put it this way, even death may die."

I woke up in my own bed, breathing out a sign in relief. It was all just a dream. Nothing more, nothing less. I walked downstairs content with myself. The smell of bacon wafted up the stairs and I saw my mom cooking my breakfast. I sat down in my chair, tired and exhausted, and picked up the newspaper. Slowly I started leafing through it.

"I'm so sorry honey." My mom said. I looked up at her, surprised.

"About what?" I said.

"You haven't heard the news? Jacob, he died." My mom said sympathetically. Fear shot through my heart. "The authorities say it was murder, they're still investigating. Don't worry, I'm sure justice will be served." My mom continued. She patted my shoulder and walked to the stove to pick up the bacon. Trying of keep my calm I slowly leafed through the paper until I reached the obituaries. Sure enough, there was the smiling picture of Jacob from our year book. "Jacob Mansley, 1990-2010." The paper said in small, Times New Roman.

As my mouth dropped and I shook my head in disbelief the picture of Jacob flashed me a smile full of long, yellowed teeth and winked.

The End

[sinfulwolf]

Quite interesting. You had a good fistful of ideas, and presented them rather well. Satan amused me. His manner of speak being less like the traditional villain, and more like a used car's salesman (which I think goes with the snake imagery). Mentioning Islam was interesting, especially in such a predominately Christian tale, though I think you could have expanded a bit more upon why Satan wanted to save the human race, and the involvement of other religions.

The other thing that was very vague, was the main character killing off his friend Jacob. It wasn't really explained why he did it, or how (though how wasn't that important, just the why) and left me a little disappointed.

All in all, well done. Keep writing, you have some skills.

[TheSubject666]

thanks, I'm thinking of putting all of my short stories and poems into one collection . . .

And yes, I'll edit the story to explain more of Jacob's death.

Probably will make more of this story. . . . Its a good concept . .

[Reptyle]

Any chance of your turning this into a longer story? It seems like the setup for something much bigger. I agree with the above review, even if you don't expand the story asca whole, a bit more should go into why Jacob was killed. I didn't get a particularly good sense of the real-world portion of the setting, something else you may want to consider elaborating.

By going into the circumstances of Jacob's murder, you will probably create a better sense of your main character, who as of right now seems bland compared to Satan, who was highly entertaining.

I enjoyed the concept, and I hope to see more of the story in the future.

[TheSubject666]

the main character is supposed to be slightly bland (Satan being the highlight) but I do believe he could have more personality. I'm trying to write a prequel to it (bad idea?) which explains it and gets to the point of where Revelation starts. This also plays along with the Satanic themes of the story, due to the fact that one Sin leads to another which leads to another. Any suggestions on how I should go about this?