At 2/26/10 10:49 AM, stimcrab wrote:
I really liked this. It kind of reminded me of like Dostoevsky, but less horrendously boring (so far, haha). But it seems like your tone is being set up very nicely. However, did you ever think that you were ever detailing it a bit too well. Personally, for my serious writing I often employ sparse prose punctuated with excessively detailed setting, which is usually the basis for my symbolism; of course, this is totally dependent on the tone I'm going for. A lot of it just seemed like philosophical ruminations; it didn't necessarily have anything totally character-relevant. (Unless, of course, you're going with a Greek/Roman myth story, which is cool itself, albeit overdone.)
Still though, a lot of that is personal nitpicking from an unsuccessful author.
And (brace yourself for self-whoring), I submitted an excerpt of my novel-in-progress, too, and it was neglected. It's not the opening paragraph, but it is pretty important, as it introduces central elements of the story. Would you mind reading it and offering some constructive criticism? It can be found here.
Oh, and I think you might like my play, it employs that sparse prose I was talking about. Maybe it'll inspire you? A link to it can be found in my sig. I don't care if you review it or not, but it may be right up your alley!
Cheers mate, stim.
Note that this paragraph is soon followed by the character's discontent with the actions of his society. As for over-detail, it's planned to be very long. The setting is invisioned in the reader's mind gradually, and as for this paragraph, setting is not important as it is a monologue of the main character. The reason there were no details character-wise is because the paragraphs following it (already written) give the reader the ability to inference what the character is like.
I am including some Greek mythology, and perhaps more general mythology in the story. This, however, does not mean it is completely based on Greek mythology, not by a long shot. To further release the details of the story, perhaps I should include more:
I question these ways. It is Artemis who has given my loved ones a premature death. It is the absence of a mate, the continuation of my search that is at her fault. But for some reason I feel compelled to move on...
"State your name."
My name? I have no name. There was no one to name me when I was still full and bright. It is against our people's ways to officially name a child that is not your own.
"You must state your name."
I fear to speak, but I must.
"I cannot say."
"Without a name, we are unable to help you. Please, state your name."
"I do not have one."
I have been cursed. Here I am, asking for the elders to help prepare me for manhood, unable to receive it because of the absence of a single word in my mind. It sickens my faith.
"You know how this ritual is held, I presume? You are old enough to have been taught all you need to know. We cannot grant you the status you so wish if you are immature to the point of joking about such things. All I ask is for your name, now speak!"
My whole life I have faced this agony. It is the behavior of all people to act this way, as they see it not to be a possibility. I've never understood such logic, but that's the way it has always been...
"To refuse your name is to laugh in the face of true divinity. Denied!"
...and always will be.
Maybe that is more suitable for judging (my mistake for releasing only that paragraph :P)
I will certainly be glad to read your play, but keep in mind that... I'm not that good of a critic (or at least I haven't really tried, I'm feeling guilty of not following that unwritten rule...). I'm more prone to pay attention to the idea rather than grammtical errors, but I'm sure you don't need much correction on that part, based on your post. I will try to critique it, just be warned. I am always looking for more inspiration, and indeed that may help. Thank you for the quick response :D
