It sounds like you're quietly waiting for someone to notice something is wrong while at the same time not wanting them to know. It also sound as if there is part of you that knows what needs to be done and just wants to do it so badly, but another part of you is battling it and is gaining stronger control of your mind. You're also secretly hoping that this battle will last forever, and never give you the option to make up your mind and thus giving you a mental excuse to tell yourself when that one side starts asking again.

might just be me tho