A good start...

You have the makings of a good electronic musician, but you're going to need a lot of practice.

So, what I liked about it; nice ping pong sounding percussion at points... (sounds like a hihat that's being played at different notes) I like the fact that there's good structure to the track. Still, it sounds like you're using a lot of sounds. Try creating your own 'instruments' - download some VST's if you're using fruityloops. If you are, get the MDA plugins.