Hey there, Superfast heads.

Sigh. Today I have to bear to you the bad news that Dragon's Dogma is a piece of shit and you should not buy it. You know Half Life? That game has like, 500 scientists in it and it runs perfectly fine with no complaints. This game ain't that much nicer and somehow it manages to run at one, singular frame a year! I mean come on, was this game coded by Hitler? I bet the optimization code is nothing but swastikas and rants about Ari Aster.

I mean, I really busted my ass for this game! Let's just forget that I had to sit here for 14 hours straight fucking with the game's documents to get it running at all, but I had to save up half a year for this piece of shit. I'm sure I'm not the only guy with a savings account and my buddy Louis saves all my money. I'm savin' up for a dodge charger and he says he'll let me know when I have enough. Until then though, he only lets me use 5 percent of what I make at little caesars and that is not an easy job. I didn't even know it was pronounced caesar, I assumed it was pronounced like caesar. They'll fuckin' whip you for saying that wrong. That's what I went through for this game so you'd think the least it could do was actually work!

Well you know what? That's it, I'm fuckin' done. What kinda culture are they running over there in Japan where you buy a product and it just doesn't work? Undertale didn't do that to me because that's an all American classic! I'm coming for you, Japan. You've fucked me one too many times now and you've crossed the line. This is a real and legally actionable statement. You think those are my tears raining down on you? That's my urine, mother fucker. I am coming to unleash the THUNDER on you!

-Superfast Jellyfish

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"Go on down, you son of a bitch!" - Resident Evil 2 apocalypse