NOVEMBER 2022 EDIT: Wow, I don't even remember making this post. If you must know, I'm a lot better mentally now. I haven't self-harmed or done anything to myself, but yeah everything's pretty much good now. I do kindaaaa wish I didn't make this post as it did step into oversharing territory for me but I'm not gonna take it down, read if you want I guess, just know I'm not like this anymore.

I made a few drawings about some stuff that's been in my head lately, just as a way to sort of vent. Enjoy, or whatever.

And now for the obligatory part of the post where I vent about some feelings. You can just ignore this. (cw for self harm and suicidal thoughts)

Every now and again, I remember how much a fucking asshole I used to be back in 2020 and early 2021. I remember how I kept making excuses for myself and how I purposefully kept ignoring red flags. I'm always fucking worried that some shitty stuff I did will come back to bite me in the ass. I sometimes look back on dms with my ex and I just don't even recognise the total ass in those messages as me. I used to be so fucking narcissistic, and I worry that I still am. I often just feel like a horrible person for things I did, I keep trying to tell myself that I've changed and that stuff I did don't represent me anymore... But I don't even know if that's true, and besides that doesn't excuse the fact that I was still such an ass. I still DID those things, I can't change that and it eats up like me as a snake. I think about ending it often, I think about just ridding myself of this pain, but something has always kept me from doing it and I don't know what it is. My friends, family, whatever? I honestly can't tell, but I'm just gonna have to suffer because I just refuse to leave.

In May, I self harmed for the first time in like, years. I haven't done it since 2018 and gonna be honest, I honestly don't know what to think. I just feel horrible for even doing it, and I'm not gonna do it again.

I'm just afraid of everything, I'm afraid of having feelings for someone, I'm afraid of trusting people because they might stab me in the back, I'm afraid of my future, I'm afraid of myself because I might hurt others. So. Fucking. Afraid.

On the brightside... I've been talking to people more, I've been trying to muster up the courage to vent to my friends more so that I can finally stop bottling this all up. I'm trying to move on from the hell hole that was 2021, I've been trying to better myself. I've been trying to be kind whenever I am able to. I may actually have a chance at this for once.

I'm gonna try and stick around for a while, I am okay.