(This is a mock advertisement created for entertainment purposes. Retro is not an actual advertisement, nor a real product.)

Have people trapped under piles of rubble? Have you dropped your phone down that gap in your car? Does your heart want a cute, miniature, and easy-to-manage 'pet' that is remotely controlled? Worry not, dear customer. We have the hero you need! Retro the Rescue Roach!

While Retro was initially a tool used by first responders, searching through rubble and debris as if it were water, he now wants to assist you with your daily duties. Due to his small stature, Retro can fit most places most humans can not go. On top of this, each Retro can squeeze his body into cracks half his size, further increasing his operation range. 

Don't let his mini physic fool you. Using his patent-pending, fused power-suit exoskeleton, Retro can lift objects well beyond his statue. For example, in the first diagram, Retro is shown lifting a 30-pound watermelon with such ease that he can strike a power pose.

While Retro will be a great addition to your toolbelt, there is one... legal notice... we must inform you about before you can buy it. Retro does tend to get a bit 'quirky' at night, especially when you first buy him. During this period, Retro might move around by himself, chitter/activate his voicebox, or shake and shiver. The second diagram above showcases the latter of those symptoms. While the reason why this bug in his program exists is currently unknown, from our professionally done studies, we have found these tendencies tend to die the longer you have your Retro. From our studies, Retro's quirks tend to stride through the first few weeks to a month before they fade away. The longest recorded case was a stubbornness period of six months. While this might sound bad, there is nothing to worry about. Keeping your Rescue Roach in its custom-made induction terrarium (sown in diagram two, included in purchase) is the best way to keep your Retro charged, focused, and in fighting shape for his next duty.

Diagrams three and four show the front and back of a base case Retro. Custom paint jobs, company/squad insignias, and accessories are sold separately. 

In all seriousness, in the last few weeks, I had a fixation on bugs (mainly because of Hollow Knight). The idea of Retro came from an article I saw a while back about a roach used to find buried people. Once again, Retro is not for sale, I am not working with any company making cyborg roaches, and I hope you enjoyed Retro the Rescue Roach as much as I liked working on him.