There is a fine line between love and hate. This rule also works for those that love themselves.

Autophobia is an irrational fear of being alone. Our narcissist has something similar - if she doesn't have anyone else around, she starts thinking about her past, something she wants to forget - her sins, her mistakes, her guilt. That fear would grow into self-hatred, and, eventually, her demise.

Maybe she would've turned out to be a normal girl, maybe she could've avoided becoming a manipulative psychopath. Maybe everything would've been different if she didn't have a myriad of health conditions that bounded her to a wheelchair when she was a child, developing her insecurity of being alone, of being left behind. Maybe then that insecurity wouldn't have prevented her from resolving a bullying issue her best friend had in middle school. Maybe she could've supported him more in his time of need, if only she wasn't afraid of being hated by others. And if that was the case, maybe then that friend wouldn't have snapped and brought a gun to school, maybe then everyone she had a connection to there would've been alive. Maybe then she wouldn't develop schizophrenia, making her autophobia even stronger. Maybe then her father wouldn't have overworked himself, falling sick, and, in the end, leaving a broken 16-year-old girl alone in a world ravaged by war. Maybe then she wouldn't have done things she found revolting. Maybe then she wouldn't have become numb. Maybe then she wouldn't have injected that needle in her arm; who knew that a girl with signs of immunodeficiency and hypotonia can adapt to drugs so well? Maybe then she wouldn't have gone up the hierarchy in a new, post-apocalyptic world as a liar and a killer. Maybe then that insecurity wouldn't have grown into something she cannot control anymore, something that blinds her, constricts her, something that can rip her apart from inside out at any moment, something that can finally cause an overdose.

Maybe it would've all been different in another timeline...

Alas, it is what it is...

It is what it is...