Depression is something that I have struggled with for years. It's something that refuses to ever go away. I got help and medication for it, but it can only go so far. Sometimes, when I am in a depressive state for a long time, it feels like my body is on fire. I would then get lost in negative thoughts about myself and my life. I would always put myself down because my mind would convince me that everyone and society were against me and my existence. That mindset came from past negative experiences with people who treated me badly for simply existing. This depression that I have is always running in the background of my mind, like a program. The strength comes in waves, and when it reaches it's peak, that's when I self-sabotage and feel like giving up on everything. I don't wish this on anyone, not even on people with whom I have bad blood. This feels like a version of hell in my mind. To an extent, it feels like a punishment from life itself or from a higher being.

I do hope that, in the end, I get to find true happiness and fulfillment in this world. I don't want to be a loser and a failure. That is one of my worst fears.