Solved like an Engineer!
To solve problem, use gun. And if that don't work, use MORE gun.
A bizarrely-simple yes utterly amusing sort of shoot-'em-up game, featuring a strange plot delivered by a narrator who made it up on on the fly and alot of gun-power. For those of you rating poorly, this is an awesome premise and you're reviewing it wrong. (Also, those who can't get the game to work, figure out what's wrong with YOUR system. Works fine here!)
Buy guns and shields of different effect to unlock more guns and shields of even more effect. Blast away wildly at foes while jumping wickedly around them in a manner that emulates Gun-Kata. Also, I should point out the liberal applications of Kablam and Thoom respectively in this game, as we have some nice artillery to kill da' mooks with. (I'm actually not sure what to say about the earning diamonds thing, but that's more of an optional extra, so no worries.)
Since I already know you guys are alright (because of The Breach), you already get Ten. However, because of the WAY this game has turned out, I'd like to unofficially award you the Schlock Mercenary Commendation For Adherence to Rule 37 (which states "There is no overkill, only 'Open Fire!' and 'Time to reload!'.").