Well..
I'll be perfectly honest, this was better than I thought it would be. I applaud you mainly for the writing, at least the first half of it.
It was great right up until the hill scene, then it just came off as "OMG eg0rapt3r jokes". Like you stopped looking at things from whatever angle you were looking at them in the beginning.
That said, the voice acting wasn't bad, but the quality was just annoying. I'd suggest buying a half-decent microphone, or finding someone else to do vocie acting for you in the future. Voie actors are all over Newgrounds, man.
Anyway, keep it up, and keep pushing yourself. You'll get better.