Great, could be AWESOME!
So I don't know if you are still working on this but I feel like commenting since I don't see a remake or and update yet.
Very good song, it really does bring a story, some imagery, and some unique characteristic to it which is why it is very good / great. But as "AJtheRipper" & "MordusKaul" said it needs just a little more.
A few suggestions which you can ignore if desired but I feel maybe if you take it it might either give some inspiration or it might be just what you need to improve the song (if desired of course).
Some length like "AJtheRipper" said, crescendo to the best part (maybe like when adding the more instruments have each one add volume or just have it gradually get louder), flatten the best rhythm and sound out at a good volume, then maybe add just a little bit more emphasis for the ending, & maybe add some more variations with the rhythms and sounds already in the song.
Like I said I like the song feel it plays out really well I was just hoping if your still looking for ideas to improve the song that these ideas may spark some inspiration.