A good listen
Without hearing a live or better recording it's somewhat hard to critique the piece. From this recording there is so much resonance and reverb that it's hard to tell what notes are being sustained and what is the result of post-processing/environment.
I like the piece well enough, but because of the inclusion of the first part of the chorus of "Come thou fount of every blessing", the piece has a bit of a rambling feel to it. Before the weekly practice for our church's worship service, our pastor's wife would ramble on the baby grand. She would routinely flow between a wide range of hymns and personal creations creating any number of compositions. While each composition was unique and heartfelt, and touch many people who came to watch us practice, they lack the transcendence into a realized cohesive score.
That's not to say that including a section from another piece is wrong or can't work, but by placing it in the middle of the composition, the inclusion breaks up the overall flow and individual thought. I don't know, it might just be my personal recognition of the piece, but my suggestion might be to try it as either an introduction or as a coda, and see if it might work better.
I look forward to hearing your future versions.
