My letter
Dear Lars,
FUCK! You have been accepted at Sir AAAAAAAHHHRHH's school of FUCKED Magic. As a first-year student, you will be assigned a 500,000,000,000-headed toad named Angelo who will show you around the campus, clean your soap bar, and scratch your balls.
Before school begins in March, you will need to go to Afghanistan. While there, you should purchase materials for your Battling The Blob and Simple POOPING Spells classes.
Your lab partner will be Jennifer Lopez. She's an expert at conjuring cricket-flavored chips out of rectums of defunkitator, so we're sure you'll get along well.
We also hope you'll join one of our after-school activities, such as the Magical GRANDMAS ASS Team. If you've got any questions, contact your counselor, Ben Affleck. We anticipate seeing you at Independence Day!
Sincerely, Mickey Mouse
School of PACKAGER
That was hilarious! ^_^