What you have is pretty good, but there's not enough to it, as in: there's no story, which makes it kinda pointless to submit.
With that being said, please don't submit tests to the Portal. If you want feedback and tips, that's fine, but this isn't the best place for this. The Portal is for finished items. The Forums are what you want. Load this into your Dumping Grounds. It's the third icon from the left at the very top of the page when you're signed in. It looks like a bucket with an arrow pointing down. Once it's loaded there, copy and paste the link into the Forums (Community>Forums). That way, people see it and give tips, which is what you want, but it's not in the Portal, filling your account with low scores or blams, which you don't want.
Good luck! :)