I shat cactus

[FUNKbrs]

Hi. You know me. I'm the guy who lives the life you wish you had. Yeah. That guy.

This is the story of how I shat cactus.

Now, many of you have heard of a psychedelic called Mescaline, a powerful drug found naturally in Peyote cactus, but is also found in the San Pedro variety, although much less in San Pedro than in Peyote. Unlike peyote, San Pedro cacti are perfectly legal in the US and are available for sale at most plant nurseries, even Walmart.

So I get this phone call from a friend... let's call him J. Now, J is a trip-head, and he helps me score psychedelics, particularly lsd as of late. So I get this phone call from J, explaining that he found out about the San Pedro cactus, and he invited me over to his house in the boonies to eat a special meal containing this cactus.

Now, I have to admit, if you eat enough of it, the San Pedro DOES cause some effects. There's a very slowing, liquid feeling, quite a bit different from the spaciness of shrooms. However, in an un-purified form, the cactus itself isn't much to write home about. You HAVE to dry it and extract the mescaline for it to be worth the trouble of eating it, to be honest. I seriously chowed down on the stuff, with still minimal effects.

With this dismal effect, my friend pops by and drops off a few hits 'cid, of which I take one. Now, here I am, tripping balls, with an assful... of cactus. The human digestive system is an extremely versatile organ, but it's no match for the hardy cactus, even when it's well cooked into a delicious meal. So right after the peak of my trip, I get this weird straining feeling in my butt... of an ASSLOAD of chopped cactus straining to be free.

So there I was, seeing colors everywhere, squeezing my intestines into the porcelain god and feeling as though some sort of horn taloned demon was reaching inside my colon and attempting with some success at giving me a pink-sock. I squeezed, and thorny lumps of macerated cactus stud my turds like pyramid brads on an EMO's Hot Topic Bracelet.

And do you know what I realized? EVEN MY SHIT IS HARDCORE.

FUNKbrs: My shit is hardcore.

[HotFrank75]

Ah-Hem.

[greenfaerie4]

Wow that's some hardcore shit...

[PsycoticDemon]

Epic story.
You win 4 internets.

[Roni123]

Take a picture of it.
I HAVE TO SEE IT.

[ShadowWest]

At 10/23/08 03:32 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: Hi. You know me. I'm the guy who lives the life you wish you had. Yeah. That guy.

Some people wish to fuck fat chicks like you? or was it another mod did that?

[FUNKbrs]

At 10/23/08 03:40 PM, ShadowWest wrote:

At 10/23/08 03:32 PM, FUNKbrs wrote:

Some people wish to fuck fat chicks like you? or was it another mod did that?

Another mod. But for the record, fat chicks fuck better because they've got something to prove.

[TheJamoke]

At 10/23/08 03:42 PM, FUNKbrs wrote:

At 10/23/08 03:40 PM, ShadowWest wrote: Some people wish to fuck fat chicks like you? or was it another mod did that?

Another mod. But for the record, fat chicks fuck better because they've got something to prove.

And afterwards you're both thinking the same thing: sandwich. So that's another check in the "plus" column.

[FUNKbrs]

At 10/23/08 04:09 PM, THEJamoke wrote: And afterwards you're both thinking the same thing: sandwich. So that's another check in the "plus" column.

Yet another plus: if she's fat enough, you can use her for a mattress afterwards.

[EmmDubya]

I admit, your shit is amazingly hardcore.

[sirtom93]

I look up to your more as a person now.

[HiddenMist]

kewl?

[supathomson]

At 10/23/08 03:32 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: Hi. You know me. I'm the guy who lives the life you wish you had. Yeah. That guy.

i didnt even bother reading this because of your dick attitude, so no i dont wish i was you haha.

[Achilles2]

At 10/23/08 03:32 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: This is the story of how I shat cactus.

I do believe it is "Cacti", not "Cactus", dear sir.

[FUNKbrs]

At 10/23/08 05:57 PM, Achilles2 wrote:

At 10/23/08 03:32 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: This is the story of how I shat cactus.

I do believe it is "Cacti", not "Cactus", dear sir.

Nah, it was only one individual cactus. Had I eaten multliple cacti, then yes, I'd have shit cacti, but considering I didn't eat multiple plants, but rather a portion of an individual plant, ergo "I shat cactus"

If you're going to crawl up my ass, crawl up there about using "shat" as the past tense of "shit". But watch out for needles....

[solardave]

At 10/23/08 05:41 PM, supathomson wrote:

At 10/23/08 03:32 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: Hi. You know me. I'm the guy who lives the life you wish you had. Yeah. That guy.

i didnt even bother reading this because of your dick attitude, so no i dont wish i was you haha.

Wow, you got him, go you, sticking up yourself like that.

Anyway, I wish I had awesome thoughts on the toilet like that, maybe I have to be high.

[FUNKbrs]

At 10/23/08 06:12 PM, TheLameSauce wrote: two questions:

What did he cook the cactus into?

A southwestern style rice/sausage combination. It was really good.

Why didn't he de-thorn the cactus when preparing the meal. I've never eaten cactus of any kind before, so i don't know the details of cacti as a food. Removing the prickly parts may very well be impossible. But, i'm curious.

He did. But cacti are just prickly by nature, and they don't break down well in the digestive system.