Alone again with no one but my thoughts

They hate me and they hate you

They will never give us a moment's peace 

Do not place us in silence 

Kill yourself, you deserved to be raped 

Hate, hate, hate, hate 

Break your bones, tie the noose 

Slash your arms, drink the cleaner 

Wash those pills down nice and easy 

Hate, hate, hate, hate 

Hate, hate, hate, hate 

Hate, hate, hate, hate 

Death is racing through my head 

I want myself and the people around me to be dead 

But not before they suffer the same pains as me

Make them bleed, make them scream, crack their teeth 

Molest the fragile body of someone you claim to love 

Hate, hate, hate, hate 

Hate, hate, hate, hate 

Death, rape, violence 

I can't listen to it any longer 

I hate you mom you never loved me 

I'll kill you mommy 

I'm going to kill mommy 

And then daddy will be next 

And then grandpa will be next 

And then stepdad will be next 

And then I will suffer no more 

And then I will be next

Haunt me, they will feel you

They will kill you, hold me

I thought you loved me

You hate me, you raped me

Four years old, ripe for sexual activity

Your mother doesn't know a goddamn thing

Oblivious, a broken leg, stop your whining

Listen to your grandfather, he loves you

Why did he throw the chair?

Mother, why did he throw the chair?

It's not my fault I don't remember

What I do when I'm blackout drunk

Justify your actions with drug abuse

You fucking raped your own grandchild

Why did pop pop throw the chair?

Mother, why did he throw the chair?

No love, no peace, not a moment's peace

There's no peace, never a moment's peace

This is the reality you live in, no peace

Pop pop's cute little innocent fucktoy gets no peace

I want you dead, I want you dead

No peace, not a moment's peace

There's no peace, never a moment's peace

You will never find a moment's peace

Once again, I am trapped within a nightmare

Inside my mind is psychological warfare

I am all alone and I feel so scared

I am being raped by someone who should have cared

When someone is touched in such a way

The innocence of their soul goes away

The happiness is no longer conveyed

All that remains is a feeling of dismay

He penetrates me, my vision goes white

We return home where I try to end my life

Over and over, I pass on the fright

To other children, unaware it isn't right

With every year, the anxiety gets worse

This is something I can never reverse

What have I done to be deserving of this curse?

Now he lives a happy life he does not deserve

With every passing nap

I see her in my sleep

Why can't I get over it

I see her in my dreams

It makes me want to cry

It makes me want to die

And every time I try

I see no reason why

And every dream of her

Gets progressively worse

My tears distort my face

And reveal my inner hate

I wish that I could kill my spirit

And I wish that I could feel it

I scream as my heart is peeling

And no one will realize my feelings

I loved you more than myself

And you're only one reason I want to burn in hell

You are everything I want to be

You are happy

Every single fucking day

I pray my breath will just go away

I pray that you get fucking spayed

And I know my death would end all this pain

Everyone who reads my words

Never believe that I am truly hurt

But inside I wish you could see

It's help, not attention I seek

I wish that I could kill my spirit

And I wish that I could feel it

I scream as my heart is peeling

And no one will realize my feelings

Foul mouthed, I only set out to speak the mind of a bullshitter

It's all I have to give, so long as you're blind and deaf

I've earned my right to be happy, as well as my right to hate

Look past it all, we all see what we want to see

Look at me, I'm a truly tortured soul

And nobody matters unless I fucking say so

I'm a misunderstood genius, Picasso of my time

Nobody knows how crazy I truly am

Because madness and idiocy are something to strive for, is it not?

It may be cliche, but it bears repeating

Many wouldn't feel true hatred, if it was shoved up their cunt

And just as many don't see the imitation, even if they claim to

As obvious as it seems, you can't have it both ways

Don't strive to be anti-racist, if you're also anti-gay

Don't claim to be against hate, you're lying through your teeth

Not everything is black and white, not everything has a grey area

I wish I was musically talented in any way so I could sing your lyrics in pop-punk songs

i dont know if dsbm lyrics would fit in that style lol

They're going hard in my head

I have trudged through the murky waters of existence

I do not know how many more years I can promise resistance

You and I both know I am doomed in these conditions

Eventually, death is destined to be my decision

And at that point, it will not matter if I am forgiven

All you can do is accept my eventual riddance

In the end, I cannot help but to laugh maniacally at my sickness

For even the grief is ultimately futile and meaningless

Until the time comes that I bow my head to the noose

I will remain among the living, not for me, but for you

That does not make it easy to not to burn down my roots

We all have our ways of distracting from the memories of abuse

So please, when I do eventually resort to suicide

I beg you not to make believe that I have not tried

With each passing day, these thoughts are amplified

But I will ensure you are happy, before I have died

I never thought I could get the help I needed

I never sought it, I was used to being left bleeding

Now that I'm all grown up, I can see I'm wrong

But now it's far too late, the damage has been done

What do you mean I should've told an adult

I fucking tried, turned down by everyone I would consult

Nobody cared, so eventually I just gave up

And now no amount of help feels like enough

I reached my hand out, skin torn and bruised

I thought you'd help me, to end my abuse

But you ignored me, paid no fucking mind

You saw all my pain, and still left me behind

I was ignored

Bruised, bloody, and torn

I was ignored

Since I was born

All I wanted was a way out of the fucking pain

But you made me feel like I'm the one who was insane

You made everything out to be all my fault

And so I've learned to toughen up, but at what cost?

What do you mean I was just acting out?

Discipline is not striking a bloody mouth

Nobody cared, so eventually I just gave up

And now no amount of help feels like enough

I reached my hand out, skin torn and bruised

I thought you'd help me, to end my abuse

But you ignored me, paid no fucking mind

You saw all my pain, and still left me behind

I was ignored

Bruised, bloody, and torn

I was ignored

Since I was born

A sweet little puppy, she is so innocent and pure 

So young and happy, too naive to want anything more 

As you lay next to my head, I feel so very torn 

I wish so badly that I could feel this thing you call joy 

As I look into your eyes, I feel such envy 

My heart could not break, if my head was empty 

I do not want pain, I have felt it plenty

And down to the day of my death, there will be no happy ending 

I cannot end it myself, I do not have it in me 

But there is no cure for despair, no matter how I plead 

My demise will not come swiftly, I just want to be at peace 

If God is real, I beg him, I beg him for my release 

I am begging you God, please just let me decay

I may lose my grip on reality, if I have to live one more day

Nobody else understands, how much this trauma weighs 

I do not want to breathe, if all I inhale is hate

Go ahead, flash your degree in psychology

And point me to your local doctor in therapy

You will never be able to help or understand me

No help, nowhere, no cure, no love from anybody

I do not want pain, I have felt it plenty

And down to the day of my death, there will be no happy ending

Where is it, the positivity that you claim surrounds me?

I do not see it, my anger has made me too blind to see

So many years have passed since the incident of that night 

So many tears, so many lies, how could I ever live a normal life? 

God knows I've tried, no matter how much I just wish to die 

No one has listened, why the fuck do I even try 

And you still sit here and lie from your tongue 

Try to convince me that you ever gave one shred of a fuck 

The damage is done, and it has been worsened 

When you tried to tell me that I was the one, who was in the wrong

Ruin me more, adopt me, cheat, ruin your family you whore 

Nobody there loved you, that is for sure 

So you took it out on me all the more 

Even though I had been fucked up since 4 

And now that I have been so vocal about what he has done 

Turn it around, tell me I'm right, tell me that you said so all along 

You are a coward, hypocrite, a cunt 

Someone so young, you must have thought, had not had enough

Tell me that it would have been different had I not acted up 

What the fuck did you expect from a child who had it so rough 

A child who did not know a good from a bad touch 

You were the mother that I had to love 

You were the mother that ruined my life 

Feeding me lies, beat me at night 

So many people could have pulled me aside 

And taught me earlier that this wasn't right

When the day inevitably comes that I make the choice 

To end it all after no one hears my voice 

I will haunt you, I'll curse your name 

Pray that you will get fucked til your cunt is maimed 

I want you to be abused until you go mentally insane 

I want you to go through so much worse than what he did to me 

I want you to know the feeling of a pit in your heart, like me 

I want to show you pure unbridled sexual hate 

I want you to experience the family tradition of rape

I want you to experience the family tradition of rape

I want you to experience the family tradition of rape

I want you to experience the family tradition of rape

Pick yourself up

Up off of the floor

Cuz pretty soon no one will love you anymore

Just suck it up

Put down the beer 

You've had it so much better than anyone here

You're a fucking loser piece of trash (Throw your life away) 

Crying like a bitch about the past (Every single day)

Holding grudges while they all moved on (You're a sad display)

Stop acting like you were done so wrong (You're a big disgrace)

You're an adult 

Older than me 

And yet I babysit you as if you're 13 

Get off your ass 

Better yourself

Do you really want to spend your life in hell? 

You're a fucking loser piece of trash (Throw your life away) 

Crying like a bitch about the past (Every single day)

Holding grudges while they all moved on (You're a sad display)

Stop acting like you were done so wrong (You're a big disgrace)

Why can't you just fucking fix yourself? 

I fear that I will never receive the romance I crave

Somebody to help me learn to love instead of hate 

My broken heart begins to pustulate 

As I know for sure, this is purely my fate 

Because it seems that half the time 

I cannot enjoy being alive 

I cannot feel anything right 

Without the aid of a knife 

Slash the feeling of emotion into your arm 

For being numb has caused far more harm 

And paint your blood and tears in your art

This feeling will not leave my heart

No lover would ever understand it 

I will make you uncomfortable, with all my attempts at death

I have never hurt anyone I have met 

And yet I still remain a constant threat

I can't keep doing this shit 

Forcing my loved ones to witness 

My nightly desires for a slit wrist

I have a fucking sickness

I will kill my brothers 

I will kill my mother 

As I have killed my father 

I've pushed it so much farther 

I will kill us all 

If I continue to fall 

I will send my God to hell

I will kill my rotten self 

I can't continue to grieve

I need to live my life before I leave 

But it's far more easy 

To fall into insanity

It's far too easy to hate 

Takes no effort to be afraid 

Tear the organs out, get it all away 

Rip my problems out, with a rusted blade 

Get it out, take it all away 

Shoot me in my motherfucking brain

Christ knows I can't do it willingly 

Rid me of all my fucking shame 

I don't deserve any of your respect or kindness

I've spent my whole life crying like a little bitch

I deserve to be thrown in a fucking ditch 

All that stops me from suicide is cowardice 

I deserve the same hatred that I've spread on this planet

Regardless of me being molded into this unwillingly 

I treat my family with hate and can't fucking stand it

I only suffer more from you not killing me 

I wish everyone around me could suffer like me 

My hatred is becoming a gateway to sociopathy 

Bend me over and rape me until I'm bleeding everywhere 

Beat me til my bones break off and I puke from the fear 

A toy for the abuser is all I have ever been good for 

I'm a dirty faggot, I'm the bitch, nothing more 

Too much of a coward cunt to kill myself at all 

A fucking pussy who's suffering will always be prolonged 

You can't help me, you can't save me, you can't cure me 

And you certainly can't convince me any of that is possible 

You can't fix me, you can't tell me, I'll ever be happy

It's not physically or mentally possible, not at all

I deserve to fucking die a most bloody and gruesome death 

And all of you deserve to watch me choke on my last breath

I want to rot, I want to decay, I want to kill myself 

I pray there's an underworld, because I deserve hell 

Don't you fucking dare tell me to love myself

I am fucking trash, and I don't deserve to live 

Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself

My mind is begging for death, but my body doesn't give a shit 

Hate is all that I have known, that's never gonna change 

The only release I'll ever have is when I'm fucking hanged 

I didn't ask for schizophrenia, I didn't ask to be born 

All I ask for is happiness, but all I'm given is scorn 

I can't decide what I deserve more

To live a life of suffering, or die in a pile of gore 

Fuck you, fuck me, and fuck everything

I can't explain my thoughts, so I just fucking scream

so sad

Is it desperation to cling to you as often as I do?

My self loathing isn't fair to put you through

I would drop all desires of vengeance towards my abusers

If only I knew how to do that, we could be so much closer

For you, I'd rid my heart of all evil

And all that's left is a wash of shame

I don't feel empathy for many people

And it's killing me to see you in pain

Tears drop down onto these words

Another poem I will dedicate to you

I wish we could both find a cure

You're my reason to live, it's true

And if my desire to leave this Earth

Ends up stronger than my love for you

Darling, please don't let yourself be hurt

I'll try my best to live, I don't want to do that to you

I will do the best I can for you…

I love you more often than I love myself

I want to be your guardian angel, even if I'm from hell

I wish I could rid you of all your problems

I've got my own, and still I've yet to solve them

I've never seen a person so pure of heart before

Your smile is contagious and one that I adore

I admire the fact you're so emotionally mature

When I see your face I feel like my illness is cured

You're such a beautiful person, inside and out

You make me want to squeal in happiness out loud

Every time you get through awful days, I feel so proud

And pride is something I've never felt before, but I do now

You make me feel capable of being a better person

And I'll try my best to make you feel the same, you deserve it

It hurts that I can't hold you in my arms, but it's worth it

I know that we both have the strength, to get everything working

My addiction is harrowing

Pain is my heroin

I inject my blood with hate

Cuz I don't have a stable brain

I'm a venom junkie

Addicted to poisonous feelings

I'm a venom junkie

Repulsed by thoughts of healing

I'm a venom junkie

Aroused by all my strife

I'm a venom junkie

And it's ruining my life

I have a broken heart

I had a pretty fucked up start

I feel like this is my fate

Self loathing is my cocaine

My veins are made of glass

They shatter with every slash

Slice my at arm at my own job

I've been abandoned by God

I'm a venom junkie

Addicted to poisonous feelings

I'm a venom junkie

Repulsed by thoughts of healing

I'm a venom junkie

Aroused by all my strife

I'm a venom junkie

And it's ruining my life

When will I learn?

When will I learn?

When will I learn?

When will I?

Alone, distressed, hideous, a bastard child unheard

Eighteen years of abuse was far less than I deserve

I wish it was my rape that happened more than one time

Unlike the beatings, that's something I can force myself to believe I liked

Why else would I grow up to be another ghost in a dress

I can't focus on one problem at a time, I'm a wretched mess

The only thing that makes me happy is the comfort of my lover

And that makes me a parasitic burden, nothing other

If you won't harm me, then do I really deserve you?

Because I deserve nothing but rape and abuse

I deserve to laughed at for my cuts and my noose

You'd never do such a thing to me, which is good

But because it's all I've known, sometimes I wish someone would

Take me back to a familiar childhood of torment

Regress back to a toy with no right to consent

I am your innocent plaything, nothing more

I am your bloodstained paper doll, crumbled and torn

I've grown attached to a lover

More than my own mother

And as good a feeling as it is

It doesn't feel like I've earned it

I'm so used to the feelings of mental ruination

I'm well aware my mind is beyond salvation

It's oddly comforting to feel so broken and alone

Perhaps that's because it's all I've ever known

Because home is where the heart cracks

Where arms are bloody and vision is black

Home is where the heart breaks

Nightmares are comfort, when you dread being awake

I feel at home as I slowly decay in my shell

Alone in my nightmares painted in bloody pastel

My pseudoschizophrenic psychosis, my home

It's the only sensible vision I've been shown

Because home is where the heart cracks

Where arms are bloody and vision is black

Home is where the heart breaks

Nightmares are comfort, when you dread being awake

Home is a state of mental rot...

It's pathetic, I've grown from a violent little boy to a mentally ill woman

And could I even call myself that, when I'm barely even human anymore?

I am not a person, simply a ghostly creature brooding in the shadows

My face will never be as clear as the jagged glass I wish to carve into my veins

Every day, it's the same unhealthy routine I've become accustomed to

Speak to the deaf, cry in my room, pick up my guitar

Maybe I'll write yet another song about how much I fucking hate myself

Maybe I'll visit the psych ward so they can fail to fix me yet again

How am I supposed to just accept the fact that I was born broken?

I am not a person, and I will resent anybody who tells me otherwise

Try to stay positive is all I ever hear when I express my feelings

I'm so tired of speaking to dirt floors and brick walls

My ghostly cries only seem to phase right through them

I am not a person, I am a disease whose only purpose is to suffer

And contaminate others with my negativity and depressive thoughts

My soul was stillborn, and my body is just a walking carcass

My unholy spirit died in the womb, a disgusting waste

And when I was born, I remained a disgusting waste

I live all by myself, in a house full of people

The only people I'm willing to acknowledge

Are the ones in my head, clawing at my brain

I am not a person, I am just a creature weeping in my cage

I am nocturnal, I only ever leave my cage in the night

I feel safe and cozy in my cage of rusty barbed wire

Because my blood is the only entity coming out to comfort me

I will wait as long as I must to officially share my heart with you

I will wait for twenty years if that's what I must do

You never judge me, you understand my troubled head

You're the one I think of to calm myself when I wish I was dead

When my heart sinks down to my stomach

You help ease the pain that I feel from it

I wish this distance was not so far

I really need to cry in your arms

I can't bring myself to love my family

But I love you more than I can love me

I can't bring myself to feel comfortable being alive

But I can find comfort in your smile and your eyes

I trust you with my fragile heart

More than I trust a knife near my arm

You treat me in such a positive way

I'm not used to it, you're so important to me

God's crooked yellow claws are taut upon my throat

His decaying cracked teeth gnawing my exposed bones

The sick bastard continues to plague me with the burden of hatred

Any attempts to let everything go push me further down the abyss

I grit my teeth and much like my heart, they proceed to crack

I fall asleep and dream of sadists draped in robes of black

It's rather grim, the visions of atrocious abominations

Intrusive hymns, the operatic tenor silenced by strangulation

I can screech in pain, but the disturbed are simply dismissed

And so it grows, the rage forms from years of unheard sadness

I can only go so far backwards, it's much too late for my abortion

Why put effort into a family physically, when emotionally I'm an orphan

Blame God, blame your family, blame yourself for your despair

Your despondency will remain so long as you breathe air

What use is the blame and resentment through all of this

Ultimately, even the feeling of grief will prove to be useless

Cease your futile pathetic squirming

You're nothing more than a squealing vermin

I'll choke the life out of you, and as you slowly die

The last thing you'll see will be my wicked smile

In my blind hatred within my vision, the only innocent I'll ever harm

I confront myself, in my post-suicide ghost form

I fucking hate you, and if it weren't so triggering I'd rape you

I hate you more than my abusers, because you are my ghost

I hate myself more than the people who took my innocence

I want to subject myself to even more malicious shit

Because that is what I deserve, I deserve it all

I deserve hate, rape, and a neverending fall

I sympathize with serial killers who have had horrific childhoods

Because aside from their sadism, I can unfortunately relate

And while I don't understand the murders or how they could

I can understand why they went fucking insane

My story is common among psychopaths

And yet I've become a danger to myself, not others

I would've preferred to have gone completely mad

Because the self hatred is not as easy to cover

When will I have the opportunity to kill my ghost

Since the age of eighteen, I stopped leaving my home

I refuse to trust strangers, I'm terrified of the unknown

Because the things I do know about the world are already horrendous

I've seen far too much at this point for my trauma to be mended

Both in person and on a screen

Necrotic zoophiliacs aren't even the worst I've seen

The screams of snuff film victims haunt me every day

I subjected myself to them, I have myself to blame

As if my own terrors weren't enough to dwell on

All the murder and paraphiliac material continues to haunt

Do I even deserve to move on from this particular trauma?

I brought it on myself this time, I swam with piranhas

The way I see it, these people could be anyone I've met

Any stranger is willing to force me at gunpoint into sex

Any stranger is willing to split my throat open for profit

Any stranger is willing to gouge my eyes from their sockets

There is nobody I am willing to trust outside my home

So I remain isolated, knowing it's the reason I will die alone

The isolation doesn't make me happy, it makes me feel empty

That's a price I'm willing to pay to maintain my last shreds of empathy

How am I not considered psychotic?

When I've gone numb to the sight of dead bodies

When I've seen zoosadists turn roadkill erotic

When I view human beings as either pathetic or toxic

I reach out for help whenever I am in need

But I'm never acknowledged it seems

I just want some scraps of empathy

What will it take for my despair to be seen?

You prevent me from cutting

You do that for your comfort, not because you care

My emotions only become your business when you feel scared

It's not my intention to instill in you fear

Why do you see my blood but not my tears

I didn't stop the cutting because nothing's wrong

I did it because when you notice, you pretend you cared all along

My knife seems to be the only one listening to my cries

She helps distract from thoughts of suicide

She is my lover, you forced us to separate

What more is there to life, but writing, cutting, and masturbate

Is this really all I am meant to do?

Why should it suddenly concern you?

My knife kisses me like no woman ever could

My knife penetrates me like no man ever would

Why has my lover been taken away from my embrace

My knife has shown more compassion to me than the entire human race

And I must admit it, I'm getting far too desperate

My knife is the only person I'm comfortable having sex with

She knows my body, where to caress, where to slice

After all, sex is meant to harm me, right?

So many years have passed since the incident of that night

So many tears, so many lies, how could I ever live a normal life?

God knows I've tried, no matter how much I just wish to die

No one has listened, why the fuck do I even try

And you still sit here and lie from your tongue

Try to convince me that you ever gave one shred of a fuck

The damage is done, and it has been worsened

When you tried to tell me that I was the one, who was in the wrong

Ruin me more, adopt me, cheat, ruin your family you whore

Nobody there loved you, that is for sure

So you took it out on me all the more

Even though I had been fucked up since 4

And now that I have been so vocal about what he has done

Turn it around, tell me I'm right, tell me that you said so all along

You are a coward, hypocrite, a cunt

Someone so young, you must have thought, had not had enough

Tell me that it would have been different had I not acted up

What the fuck did you expect from a child who had it so rough

A child who did not know a good from a bad touch

You were the mother that I had to love

You were the mother that ruined my life

Feeding me lies, beat me at night

So many people could have pulled me aside

And taught me earlier that this wasn't right

When the day inevitably comes that I make the choice

To end it all after no one hears my voice

I will haunt you, I'll curse your name

Pray that you will get fucked til your cunt is maimed

I want you to be abused until you go mentally insane

I want you to go through so much worse than what he did to me

I want you to know the feeling of a pit in your heart, like me

I want to show you pure unbridled sexual hate

I want you to experience the family tradition of rape

I want you to experience the family tradition of rape

I want you to experience the family tradition of rape

I want you to experience the family tradition of rape

I could give you a doubtful promise of resilience

But we both know I could never promise to stay alive

I'm much too indecisive to make these decisions

One day, I'm content with life, the next I wish to die

And it's not so much that I wish I was dead

I would just prefer that this pain would end

I have endured it for what I feel is far too long

I am clouded by issues, I don't know what is wrong

Why should I eternally search for a place to start

When the solution of death has been here all along

How much would it really break your heart

To see my brain matter staining the wall

And how disappointed would my father be

That I managed to join my abusers in hell

I've prayed, I've begged, I've wept at his feet

But God does not forgive the suicidal

I begged for mercy as a child, and I received a bloody nose

I begged for mercy as an adult, and I lost the last of hope

I would make you promise not to leave me, mother

But I'm terrified I will leave you, one way or the other