I decided to take a walk. To Canada, that is. My mother isn't taking it very well.
MOM: Why are you doing this?
ME: Because, I want to go. Far far away.
MOM: This is the most stupid bullshit I have ever heard of in my entire life.
ME: I don't need your support.
MOM: Good, because you won't have any. You're doing this on your own.
ME: That was the plan, woman.
MOM: Have some fucking respect.
ME: I don't need to. I'm not under your grip anymore.
MOM: You're so full of shit.
ME: Bye.
So I walked out the door. I heard it lock behind me. I stepped out of the gate and into the world. It was now my home.
I passed the nearby familiar streets, looking around me with a bit of nostalgia. I never felt this while I was here to stay. I guess it's not going to be long before I'm homesick too. But as of now, I am homesick. I'm sick of being home. I am going to experience the world, even if it's the hard way.
Five miles into my journey, I walked a path that sent me to a part of the city I wasn't quite familiar with. I was already losing sight of what was once home, still in the boundaries of my city.
Ten miles into my journey, I sat down near a Spanish cafe to rest and think. I needed to plan in my head how I was going to do this. That's when a man sat down next to me. From the smell of his clothes, a homeless one. I imagine that's how I'll be soon. He told me his name was Bob. Robert for short. I told him that didn't make sense.
BOB: What do you mean that don't make sense? It makes perfect sense.
ME: Bob is short for Robert, not the other way around, my man.
BOB: Well aren't you a little fuckin' know it all.
ME: I'm just saying the truth.
BOB: Well, some things you should maybe keep to yourself. You don't see me tellin' you your shirt's too short for your chest.
ME: You could tell me that, I won't mind.
BOB: Yeah, well some people do mind. What the hell is your problem?
ME: I gotta go, man.
I got up and left the annoying homeless man behind. But he followed.
BOB: Robert is short for Bob.
ME: You're still here with that nonsense?
BOB: I don't see why the hell you gotta act all high and mighty spouting bullshit to people like you think you know what is and what isn't.
ME: Look. When something is shorter, it's shorter. Bob is shorter than Robert. Robert is a longer fucking word, so how can it be short for something that's shorter than it?
BOB: You got a lotta fuckin' nerve.
ME: I think you are the one with problems.
BOB: So now you're judgin' me. You're a fuckin' prick, you know that?
ME: How long are you going to follow me for?
BOB: As long as I fuckin' feel like following you.
ME: I have things to do that don't involve educating a moron.
BOB: Listen the fuck up. You don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about. You ain't educating anyone, you're just talking outta your ass.
I sped up my pace. He didn't. I was starting to leave him behind and I thought he was finally done with me. But from a block behind, I saw him walking. And then I heard him shouting.
BOB: Robert is short for Bob you cunt!
But I ignored him. I really didn't have the mental energy to deal with this idiot's bullshit. Instead, I proceeded onward. But every time I turned around, he was still following me. At least it was from a safe distance.
I decided I was feeling a little hungry, but had no money to buy food. I knew I would have to start begging soon. But regardless, I walked into a gas station and grabbed myself a pack of Starburst and walked out discreetly. That's when I noticed a woman running after me.
WOMAN: You didn't pay for those!
ME: Call the police, then.
WOMAN: Return them immediately.
ME: They're already in my mouth, ma'am.
WOMAN: You think you can get away with this?
ME: That's exactly what I'm doing.
WOMAN: Why don't you get a job, you fucking bum?
ME: Why don't you get a life? Chasing after people who you have no business with constitutes being a dumb cunt and a failure.
WOMAN: Look at yourself. Stealing from another man's paycheck. What kind of person are you?
ME: I'm a person who does not give a fuck.
WOMAN: Maybe that's your problem. Maybe you should give a fuck about some things, then maybe you won't be doing things that are only gonna hurt other people.
ME: How long are we going to have this conversation for?
WOMAN: As long as I feel like having it.
BOB (from a distance): ROBERT IS SHORT FOR BOB!
ME: You and that guy over there would be best friends, ma'am.
WOMAN: I don't like your attitude. You're a smug piece of shit.
ME: Bite my ass and call me Shirley.
WOMAN: Where the hell are you taking me to?
ME: To fucking Canada is where I'm going. You're gonna follow me there?
WOMAN: What, so you can steal some Canadian Starbursts while you're there?
ME: Maybe. I do what I do.
WOMAN: You should be ashamed of yourself.
At that moment, Bob sped up his pace to catch up with the annoying woman.
BOB: This guy's an asshole, isn't he?
WOMAN: He is, indeed.
BOB: He thinks Robert ain't short for Bob.
WOMAN: What does that even mean?
BOB: Robert is short for Bob, god damn it.
WOMAN: But it's not.
BOB: Oh, you too, bitch?
WOMAN: Who the fuck are you calling a bitch?
BOB: Both of you, you're both a bunch of fucking bitches.
They continued to bicker as I made my best effort to tune them out. I can't let these dipshits distract me from my ambitions. After another mile, it appeared the woman was not going to stop following me. Great. She and Bob didn't end up making good friends as I had anticipated, though. So she made about a half-block distance behind me, and he made about a half-block distance behind her. And they both continued to shout like I gave a fuck.
WOMAN: Return that goddamn Starburst if you have balls!
ME: You want me to vomit them onto the gas station counter!?
WOMAN: I want you to man up and do what's right!
BOB: You both don't know shit!
When I approached the main highway which led as far as Indiana, a truck veered off the road and hit both Woman and Bob. Woman died immediately. Bob was horribly disfigured and crawling on the floor.
BOB: Oh god, my legs! MY LEGS!
I ran back to give him help. I analyzed his wounds and knew immediately he would be paralyzed, possibly amputated.
ME: I'll call an ambulance.
BOB: I just wanted one fucking thing from you. One fucking thing.
ME: Fine, Robert is short for fucking Bob, are you happy now?
BOB: I want you to mean it.
ME: How can I mean what isn't true?
BOB: BELIEVE IT. ANYTHING IS TRUE IF YOU JUST BELIEVE IT.
ME: THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING BELIEVE THAT I BELIEVE IT AND THEN IT'LL BE TRUE?
BOB: FUCK YOU.
ME: No, fuck YOU. I may have some sympathy for your permanently paralyzed ass but you're still only holding me back from what I'm trying to do.
BOB: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CARE ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE BUT YOURSELF.
That is when the man who was driving the truck that hit them both got out of his truck and ran over to us. With a sledgehammer, he bashed the homeless man's brains in.
MAN: Just finishing the job.
ME: Why the fuck did you do that?
MAN: I don't need these two holding you back.
ME: You know me?
MAN: I'm your guardian angel. I've come to ensure you reach your destination.
ME: But you're going to jail now. There's like twenty witnesses on this street.
Then the man vanished before my eyes.
"I will always be with you." I heard his voice say. "Even when you can't see or hear me, I will always be with you."
So I continued on my way.
Skype: the_sleuth
