Hey everyone,
This script is for a graduate school app. I'm supposed to write a script that involves two people that live together. One wants to stay in for the night, the other REALLY wants to go out.
I put a little twist on mine.
http://www.newgrounds.com/dump/item/a1c9d3d01d287abc60e4235a1ae3c172
Is it funny?
What works?
What doesn't?
Thanks, guys.
If you ever have a piece of writing you want feedback on, let me know.
At 9/11/14 12:36 PM, EKublai wrote: Hey everyone,
This script is for a graduate school app. I'm supposed to write a script that involves two people that live together. One wants to stay in for the night, the other REALLY wants to go out.
I put a little twist on mine.
http://www.newgrounds.com/dump/item/a1c9d3d01d287abc60e4235a1ae3c172
Is it funny?
What works?
What doesn't?
Thanks, guys.
If you ever have a piece of writing you want feedback on, let me know.
EKublai --
This is my first time posting to this site, so I hope I provide comments that help you!
I like the general concept that she's some sort of alien/superpowered being, and that you don't throw that riht out at the start. But I must be really thick, or wasn't paying attention, because I didn't understand how her doffing her humanoid zip-on disguise resolved the conflict.
Both characters could use a little fleshing out. I know that's hard in a short, but it can be done. Like Why does Jack not want to go out? Is this a normal struggle for him and Rachel, or is it just this event? Rachel is clearly highly manipulative, but that also might be highlighted better, as that is kinda the central point -- "Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets" sorta thing.
Just a couple of little suggestions. Let me know if they help -- also let me know if I should just keep my ignorant trap shut!!
At 9/11/14 02:29 PM, yourauntgussie wrote:At 9/11/14 12:36 PM, EKublai wrote: Hey everyone,EKublai --
This script is for a graduate school app. I'm supposed to write a script that involves two people that live together. One wants to stay in for the night, the other REALLY wants to go out.
I put a little twist on mine.
http://www.newgrounds.com/dump/item/a1c9d3d01d287abc60e4235a1ae3c172
Is it funny?
What works?
What doesn't?
Thanks, guys.
If you ever have a piece of writing you want feedback on, let me know.
This is my first time posting to this site, so I hope I provide comments that help you!
I like the general concept that she's some sort of alien/superpowered being, and that you don't throw that riht out at the start. But I must be really thick, or wasn't paying attention, because I didn't understand how her doffing her humanoid zip-on disguise resolved the conflict.
Okay. So she's really just a superhero. I can see how so many of her powers being biological might make it confusing I'll have to think about that. At the end, she actually just teleports out of the house to go the party. I kind of imagine this being set in LA. I should make that clearer that Rachel is "The Socialite" she's a superhero who doesn't want to have to work hard to be thought of as a superhero.
Both characters could use a little fleshing out. I know that's hard in a short, but it can be done. Like Why does Jack not want to go out? Is this a normal struggle for him and Rachel, or is it just this event? Rachel is clearly highly manipulative, but that also might be highlighted better, as that is kinda the central point -- "Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets" sorta thing.
I see where you are coming from. Jack does not want to be seen in public because he feels that his wife should have been saving people from a burning building instead of making money by doing publicity for a pet store.
Just a couple of little suggestions. Let me know if they help -- also let me know if I should just keep my ignorant trap shut!!
Thanks, that's a good bit to chew on.
