It seems every day I wake up I`m in a more painful state then when I went to sleep the night before. I`m almost positive I have had some form of cancer for the last 8-12 months in the form of a large lump in my throat, and my doctor refused to listen to me. I finally went to a walk in clinic in late April, and got an ultrasound the same day. I`m still waiting on the results. I have acute knock knees which are worsening every day. Some of my family are dying or injured, and my dad is extremely depressed due to the deaths in the family and my lack of an effort to connect with him as a son. My mother lives 4,000 miles away 6 months of the year (which frequently results in an empty fridge).
Out of all these things my failing health is what bothers me most, and the thoughts that come with this are very depressing. Will my beloved grandmother outlive me? I already realize my 22-year old brother probably will. For the first time in my life I have contemplated suicide, but I still think I would never bring myself to do such a thing. It would cause too much heartache.
To top it all off I live with a 75 year old man for reasons I wish not to indulge who I wish would just die already, and the fear of my dog outliving me seems to become greater every passing day.
The more I think about it the more I realize all I have left is the life I once thrived for. I have money; drugs; alcohol; friends and though I am still in search of a lover I am sexually satisfied.
However all these things came at various sacrifices. I`m not as quick-thinking as I once was; my relationship with my entire family has never been so deteriorated; and I have never felt worse health-wise. I put nearly no effort into my appearance because I see no reason to. I have everything I currently desire except for the things most people fall back on: family, food and health.