Hmmm
Sounds almost exactly like the original. I'd prefer if you let your creative juices flow a bit more by expanding and tweaking the hell out of this song and contribute something a wee bit better and or different from the original.
I've heard some of your other stuff, man. C'mon I know you're good and can easily do it :P. You're possibly the biggest video game Audio Portal submission artist there is. You can do it!