Reviews for "Sins Of Daisy Episode 1"

I love a good RPG game and this one was short and sweet. Really like the storyline so far.
Cant wait for the next chapter. Good job.

so cool i like the art style and i want a second part, this part was very short you shouldn't make it like that they should be longer or try to combine them because that short? at least give more details or things but 4.5 stars anyways because i really enjoyed it i just wish it wouldn't be that short

You're a young writer, aren't you? ;) Perhaps till in school? I can tell because of the way you structure the sentences. They should show more maturity in terms of grammar and style. And they should be fluid, not forced. try to be more intuitive and varied in how you structure your work. ;) Think about the tone and mood of the moment. The sentence should feel that way, as well as read that way.

Look at it like this:

1. My husband... he is outside.

this sentence is VERY STIFF, NOT ORGANIC, and not how normal people speak. It's too rigid, too perfect. Think about how you would say it, not how the English book tells you to. It sounds like a foreigner with poor English or a robot who doesn't give a damn. either one is bad, unless that's what you are going for here, which I doubt. ;))))

2. My husband's outside. Now get out of my kitchen!
This sentence gives fire, and evidence that the character is actually alive in terms of being a person in the story. It also subtly lets the main character know that the husband is an option, without outright saying it.

See? ;))

ZeroDigitZ responds:

Thanks for the helpful tips. I will try to improve on making my characters more emotionally-driven and less robotic.

So far, the story is awesome. There may be a glitch at the very end, because I cannot see the final diary page, and therefore cannot learn anything to make my final decision. The game could use background music, as well.

ZeroDigitZ responds:

I apologize. Please check your private message on how to proceed with this issue.

Awesome! Cant wait for the next one :D

ZeroDigitZ responds:

I'm glad you liked it.