Wow... now this is something really good.
When I first "opened" the file, I muted my music thinking this would have it's own, but nope.
It could really use some of it, and just by chance, I was listening to "Nocturne of Amestris -duet-" by Akira Senju, and it just felt so spot on combined with the story and the drawings, and then came "Crime and punishment" also by Senju just when the guys where facing the storm and feeling uneasy.
I think all this really helped with your work, so just pointing out the lack of music.
Now, about your drawings, they are very good, as all the work I know from you. Its "visible" how your technique evolved, and I just think thats amazing.
Also the story is very good, no matter if its for kids, I think you should try and do more stuff like that, you know, just to try different stuff.
To finish this, excellent work overall, art and story. Don't stop working like this, and keep it up, always up.