God, that sucks. Any more submissions like this and it'll permanently scar the good name of fan fiction. Next time, pick a story that doesn't suck, and for the love of God, don't narrate it.
And yet, this one glides by because it's a parody. And for some stupid funny reason in this site, all is fair when it comes to parody. Even the submission guidelines and suggestions create a virtual loophole where they discourage the use of anything copyrighted, yet encourage the satire thereof. So people can get away with knocking some juvenile hack's attempts at literature, if it happens to feature known game characters.
So, this is an adaptation of a piece of fan fiction. Yeah. And like I've said, all's fair with parody at this site. It has become quite the fashion to narrate a story in its entirety and then animate to it. On occasion, the animation has to do something trippy or just plain weird (note Mario's face), while rambling on and not making any sense and making everything ugly, because the story is ugly too, and we have to emphasize that point, over and over, ad infinitum. Yeah.
I hate this. I really do. It's self-indulgent and at someone's expense. I bet there was never any query made to allow an adaptation, let alone tarnish it. What was meant to be funny turned out completely poor in execution, bland in style and uninspiring. The story is bad, but the adaptation is worse, and on purpose. It'll pass judgment and infest the site like all the other bad satires that have crept up over the years. Worst of all, it's by a reasonably good author who can do a whole lot better.
My only recommendation: either pick a decent fan fiction to adapt and ADAPT it (not narrate a damned mess), or don't even bother borrowing from fan fiction.