A fresh breath
Yep, this was hot! Though the story had some quirky holes in it, I think you did a great job piecing together a first prt. As has already been stated, a lot of the timing is unrefined in such a way that it steals from the momentum of the entire piece. Things that should not be under-addressed are many, and I insist timing is of the upmost importance especially with action oriented scenes.
I too am looking forward to some wonderful work from you as this series and you skills develop! Keep it up buddy