Ok start.
You require:
1. more story
2. a plot?
3. more story
4. Ok, so people killed each other? What else is new?
5. More pylons
6. Why people keep dying.
7. Some characters.
8. What the heck was the war? And the end scene; what was that about?
9. More story.
I guess that's it...
Wait... Did I mention that it needs a story?
Pretty good for your first. Keep practicing!