This is so bad it is worse then one star

It's very badly drawn and theres really no interest. Put more effort into the artwork and something actually happening then you may have something somewhat interesting

No. JUST. NO.

I'm not trying to be mean- but you need a lot of work before you should submit anything.
As has been previously stated; There are a lot of plot holes (and things that don't even make any sense), it's too short, the art is lacking *to say the least*...I could go on forever. (Not only that but how you used the .Hack song made me rage >_>)
Google some art tutorials and maybe some tutorials on how to develop a plot line and character profiles.
You also should keep in mind, when creating a character; it's best to create their entire make-up first (interests, personality, hobbies, job, history, etc.) because these things tend to GREATLY influence how the character looks, dresses, and acts.

Cough cough!

Dude, I'm sorry, but I can't give you a good rating on this. I bet you put forth an effort, but this just doesn't cut it. Practice on paper before doing anyhting else, K?

Work on it

Alright, you probably don't have a scanner, it's hard to draw on the PC, but still, try to work on quality control. It was a bit too short, and pointless, plus a bit weird. 1) Try to see if your public library or high school has a scanner. I bet you're better with drawing by hand. 2) It's better to work for a year on something good than a minute on something bad. Be your own worst critic, and review multiple times. 3) Maybe it would be better if you wrote a screen play version of this story, THEN draw it.

These are just suggestions I would take myself. I hope you do better in future submissions. Also, spelling was inconsistent. Please don't think I'm spamming.

wow.

Okay,first off,it was WAY too short.Second off,you seriously need to slow down.Third off,my little bro could do better in those drawings and he's 10.No offenses.And lastly,one of th most pointless things,like ever.