Your story could benefit from keeping consistent tensing. I suggest using active voice since the events are "happening" to the player. For example, "They would then pick the candy back up" changes to "They pick the candy back up..." and so on. Maybe get someone to proofread everything? Good luck~
Got it! Thanks for the constructive criticism, human! I would also make an updated version of the game that fixes stuff like that and more stuff to do!
ur pc is slow