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CANCELLED #1 - PILOT

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After moving out of the same apartment, best friends Trent and Elliot find that their separate lives still keep them close while they struggle with a new day.

[https://www.cancelled.cc/]
---------------------------------------------------
Created and Written by
Palkoark (https://twitter.com/palkoark)
Collin-PieLord (https://twitter.com/PieLordCollin)
and Sir Willis IV (https://twitter.com/SirWillisIV)

Starring
BOXHEAD as Trent Hoss (https://www.instagram.com/jeffrey_kep...)

Kris Yannah as Elliot Patch
(https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVmq...)

Snackers as Will Dunsky
(https://snackers.newgrounds.com/)

With
Logan Calderwood as Jon Barcuckle
(https://dogl.newgrounds.com/)

Evan Smith as Dr. Fox
(https://twitter.com/Superbaby731)

and Austin "PixelFlickr" DesRosiers as Dead Guy
(https://twitter.com/PixelFlickr)

Animated by
Palkoark, Collin-PieLord, Kenny Coman (https://twitter.com/LilKenTweet)

Backgrounds by
Palkoark, PixelFlickr

Special Thanks to
Collin-Pielord, Kenny Coman, Cami Young, Marshebi, Snackers, Boxhead, Kris-Yannah, Sir Willis IV, Cobalt, That Guy Adrian, PixelFlickr, Vulpixels, ReverseJosh, Evan Smith, The OSS Crew, The Roomies, and a ton more. Seriously, there's a lot.

Music by Eric Daino (Commissioned)
Chasin Vegas (Royalty-Free)
and Kevin Macleod (Royalty Free)

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This was pretty fun, it's always great to see more indie cartoons by people who obviously care a lot about making cool stuff.

There's been a lot of feedback regarding the animation (all definitely worth listening to), so in the interest of not telling you what you've already heard, I do have some major feedback for the backgrounds.

I think the backgrounds are should be a major focus for improvement for the next episode. The first thing I noticed in the beginning when the pair were waking up was their rooms looked exactly the same - a bed, a lamp, and maybe a poster. That's it. The BGs in general suffered from a lack of detail, which made the world feel more sparse.

The best advice I can give for good backgrounds is to treat them like characters in them selves. An environment like a bedroom or a bar picks up the personalities of the people who inhabit it. Maybe we could see Elliot's charger next to his bed and medical books on his shelf, Trent's hamper overflowing with dirty laundry. What kind of computer would Elliot have, how many empty beer cans or food wrappers would Trent have on his floor? If the hospital is so bad, how about a hallway with a flickering light and suspicious stains on the floor? If the bar is serving bad booze, maybe instead of plain boxes there could be shelves covered in dust and cobwebs?

Obviously you don't wanna go too crazy detailed with the backgrounds, since you've got a simpler, cartoony style going. Nothing wrong with that. However, some more attention to detail, designing the environments with some personality to them to make them feel more lived-in, will make this project feel much livelier and more cohesive.

All in all this is a really strong start. By reading the comments I can see your team is being super receptive to feedback, which is a HUGELY good sign. With your kind of attitude I have no doubt that you'll continue to improve and make this show better and better.

I'm looking forward to the next episode!

Oh, one last thing - "Onion Skin Studios". From one animator to another, nice one ;)

Palkoark responds:

this is awesome! that's a great idea - giving the character's rooms personality, i didn't even really think about that. thanks so much!

It's always really awesome to see new creators start animated web-series, especially on places like NG. Palkorak, I greatly appreciate your efforts on this pilot.

You had a bunch of people working on this project, and I hope to see the progress all of you will make in the future. There have been quite a few reviews on this already, so I'll try my best to not beat a dead horse. From what I've seen you've taken constructive criticism gracefully and I really appreciate how you don't respond to it poorly. Keep up the good work!

The music in this pilot was great and I enjoyed it. The title sequence music really got me pumped for the next 9 minutes in the episode. Throughout the short there were proper sound effects that didn't distract but rather helped suspend disbelief. The script was pretty good, especially when Elliot and Trent were in two different places at once and the scenes overlapped each other. Jokes were pretty solid in the script. This concept is pretty cool, however where you take it is what matters. I think you have a solid idea here.

With that said, there's still a bit more room to grow. While the VAs were very good at acting, there was a bunch of white noise that their microphones picked up. Sound design is what people notice first before visuals. While you may not be able to change the microphones the voice actors use, there are slight changes you can make in free programs like audacity to help curb this issue. I would also recommend writing scripts with less yelling in them for the future as the microphones your voice actors use weren't too forgiving of the increased volume.

The artwork could also be improved upon. I think better models of the characters that have designs for different angles and poses is needed so they don't have to just stare forward the entire time. Lip-syncing was very good, but other movements and shots should be more polished. Backgrounds were fine as they fit the style of the characters.

I think the animation is a little too still at times. There are quite a few lines that the VAs emphasize words that the character's bodies don't. The scene Elliot is peeing is a good example of not enough animation for characters. Trent sits in the same pose not reacting at all. The sequence would be funnier if he continuously got more bored/ annoyed/ curious/ confused as the viewer waits in anticipation for what Elliot is about to say. I think jokes could land much better if the animation could exaggerate them more.

All in all, this is just constructive criticism to consider as you produce the series. Take my criticism with a grain of salt, for I haven't produced any shows for myself lol. I just want to see future episodes of this perform extremely well, and I think you guys can make it happen. Best of luck!

dogl responds:

we need more criticism like yours on newgrounds thank u for your time son

Palkoark responds:

this is super helpful thank u sm!

PieLordPictures responds:

This was very nice to read! Thank you! We're taking all this into mind while working on episode 2. Thank you very much!

SirWillisIV responds:

Thank you. This is immensely helpful. Glad to know you want to see more and are giving us useful suggestions. Dogl's right, we need more criticism like yours going around.

This was rly charming! Most of the points I had have already been said by others, but one thing specifically that sorta bothered me was how the characters are almost always facing the camera, having more varied poses and shots would def make it look more interesting. Overall tho I enjoyed it, I like the characters and the premise looks cool, looking forward to seeing where this goes

I think people have been making some good points here and a lot I believe has already been said by skull and snackers. Here's my bit:
Are you avoiding walk cycles? There are alot of times where the character needs to move and you take a shortcut, and when something is a 1 shot joke animation it works, but I think a pilot needs more movement. Keep at it, find your voice. You put in alot of work and I'm sure you learned a lot. I really like the "look at the bright side bit" really good timing on that and it made me laugh.

Palkoark responds:

Thanks! I'll be takin all these comments to improve in episode 2 :)

I really enjoyed this and I am looking forward to seeing how this show evolves. Although it could use more frames rather than just moving a picture to indicate motion.

Palkoark responds:

Thanks for the feedback!!

Credits & Info

Views
1,295
Faves:
33
Votes
166
Score
3.75 / 5.00

Uploaded
Nov 30, 2019
7:35 PM EST
Genre
Comedy - Original
Tags