Lets see, just doing a very brief overlook.
I can say: The pacing does seem a bit all over the place. But others have said that before me.
You'll want to aim for it to be some work, but not a chore.
The start is kind of a bit button mashing. You basically sum up the first piles of dialogue in the description. Making it a bit moot.
I will say however: I never got too far in: But I DO hope that 1: You remember what an incubus is supposed to do, and you know: Is actually remotely competent at sex xD And can actually make women cum, not just himself. 2: There is some variety in terms of genitalia. IE: The player make isn't just some hyper dude, while whatever girls he runs into all have the same identical porn vag xP
Other than that, it seems like it could be a nice premise.