A short text adventure about a day in the life of a neckbeard. Try to find all 13 endings!

I whipped this together in about 15 hours after learning about spaghetti stories, so some of the jokes probably aren't on point, but I wanted to be done before Christmas so I can start on some other small stupid games (that I will probably post here on NG)

Instructions:
>type be me to begin
>type look for hints

Edit: Since people are having troubles getting around:

Here are all the verbs you need:
Go, get, give, wipe, eat, pet, kick, fuck (or sex), and lift.

PS. The medal descriptions are also pretty hinty.
PPS. How the fuck did I nail Scar's medal, yet fuck up the poop medal?