Not really sure if you intended this as a satire or comical... It got either really "dry" or relatively "dark" pretty quick... and that might be the intent behind it. If I was to offer something constructive, I'd have to suggest more jumping up and down (by the main character) and even a ranting and raving (audio) fit about the "stepping in it" as it might be.
Your technique is well conceived and decently delivered. You'd have a 5/5 on skill with this for no more than it is, but it... well... it is what it is, and you've (frankly) done no more than you've done.