Under the influence of 27 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I left my apartment. The jelly levels in my blood were way above that of any normal man and as I left I thought 'why does the sky bleed like that I’ve never seen it do that before', but I shrugged it off and continued my walk to the store. When I got there the man behind the counter offered me a wide selection of frozen popsicles. However I wasn’t in the mood for popsicles instead I grabbed a can of royal crown cola, I had never had royal crown cola before and I thought to myself 'well why not?' I left the store after paying for the soft drink and made my way to the park, where I opened and then drank my royal crown cola under the peach tree. A squirrel hopped up next to me on the bench I was sitting on and the squirrel said "boy isn’t it a nice day?" I gasped in shock and awe at the severed head it was holding in its hands and as I gazed into the bottomless pit that appeared before me. I thought 'why don’t they make bacon flavored sour keys?' but I shrugged it off as the abyss engulfed me after several hours of falling through the abyss I found myself in Branson Missouri the dinner theater capital of the world and immediately made my way to Nebraska to sit on the world’s largest porch swing after sitting for about 3 days I promptly died of exposure or so I thought I awoke several hours later and began vomiting cherry Kool-Aid which perplexed me as I didn’t remember drinking cherry Kool-Aid and I also wondered why it tasted like blood after a few minutes of vomiting I felt a bit light headed and decided to go to the beach when I got there a hermit crab ate my shoe but it was just my luck as the beach front shoe store had just opened for business I went inside to ask about a new pair of shoes the shoe sales man challenged me to a dual pistols at dawn sadly I had a previous engagement I paid for my new pair of Birkenstocks and made my way back to my car on the way to my car I found a chicken it was playing the banjo and singing and I thought to myself I wonder if he knows how to play rocket man just then a giant squid attacked me I fought for my life but sadly the squid was too powerful and it dragged me down to my watery grave after waiting about 6 hours to drown my legs started cramping so I decided to go for a walk I walked in a south east direction until I came to a sunken pirate ship and as I approached it I couldn’t help but feel like I was being watched I turned around to find chuck Norris masturbating I said hi chuck and he waved and that’s how we met me and chuck Norris we have been living happily for these last 15 years in Utah chuck runs his own dojo these days oh he still does movies and for an elderly man he is quite the lover we've raised 6 kids and eaten 37 yes life is pretty sweet these days I don’t think there was a better time in my life