Asslevania: SOTB

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Medal #1 5 Points

Welcome to Asslevania!

Medal #2 5 Points

Reach level 2.

Medal #6 5 Points

Don't skip the intro.

Medal #7 5 Points

Follow me at NEWGROUNDS!

Medal #8 5 Points

Check out NEWGROUNDS.com!

Medal #9 5 Points

Follow me on Twitter, so I don't have to shut up!

Medal _13 5 Points

What a pile of buffalo diarrhea!

Medal _18 5 Points

Welcome back!

Medal _19 5 Points


Medal/22 5 Points

Watch the whole ending.

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Check out Sexual-Lobster's page.

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Check out RicePirate's page.

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Check out JohnnyUtah's page.

Medalzzz 5 Points

Don't skip the meeting with Johnny and Dracula.

Medal #3 10 Points

Reach level 3

Medal #4 10 Points

Reach level 4.

Medal _14 10 Points

Find Alucard.

Medal _15 10 Points

It takes a lick'n...

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...and keeps on whip'n.

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Get a little head.

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Eat a pork chop!

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Medal _10 25 Points

Find the 1st hidden song.

Medal _11 25 Points

Thats where I left that!

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Never alone...

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Make the haunted hallway more creepy.

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Beat Time Trial in less than 3 mins.

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Beat Dracula!

Medal #5 100 Points

Reach level 5.

Medal/28 100 Points


Author Comments

::UPDATE:: SUPER CUPCAKE MODE! Arrow key moment, check points, and general nerfing all around. Enjoy! For those manly enough to miss the old version. I am going to keep a copy of it here for a little while.

"Dracula's castle has once again appeared, and Johnny Belmont knows that can only mean one thing! Dracula is back!!! And it's only a matter of time until the towns folk start acting all emo and goth. Drinking there coffee and smoking cigarets, reading poor me poetry to each other. And seeing how Breaking Bad is over now, Johnny really doesn't have anything else to do anyway, so it would seem a battle is fated."

Okay, so I wanted to create this game, but it quickly got out of control. So I decided to scale it down and rebuild it... and it got out of control again. ENJOY!


MOVEMENT: Arrow Keys
JUMP: Up Arrow key
SLIDE: Down Arrow Key
SLIDE JUMP: Press Jump while sliding.

TIME TRIAL AND REAL MODE--------------------------------------
These mode will unlock after you beat the game on cupcake mode.

LEVELING UP-----------------------------------------------------------
Collect start to level up Johnny Belmont.


This game looks pretty alright for what it was going for, but I think it could have got a better rating out of me if it wasn't to excruciatingly hard, I give it a 4 because it's hilarious but it has some problems, and it reminds me of a series I watched on Netflix.

I forgot the name of the series but it was pixelated just like this and it was about game developing, I think the name also had "monkey" in it, but I could be wrong. If anyone knows what it is, please message me.

I feel so god damn useless when I see things as funny as that and can't remember their names!

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a throwing star of David would be more realistic and cool than a throwing plus sign

Exactly what I would expect from a sexuallobster video game. I fired all the crosses at the naked lady form of dracula (chocula heh heh) before discovering that you're supposed to whip her breasts. Great. Well. So I did that.

Frigging slimer. Die slimer. I'd really like to kill slimer but alas, you can't kill the ghosts.

Oh good grief. I see now why cupcake mode is called cupcake mode. How the hell could it be possible to do it in "real" mode, all on one heart. Taking damage at least against Slimer is completely unavoidable. Slimer is just too damn fast. Eh, enough of this. I won it, albeit on cupcake mode, I don't need to spend any more time on it. It's the sort of "play once and never again" sort of thing. Some things, are good or ok, but only if you do it once. This is one of them. Like a mystery. It's no good watching or reading a mystery a second time, no matter how good it was. So I give it 4 stars. But all the same, I'm done with this shit.

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deathink responds:

It's tough beating it on real mode, but man when you do, you will feel like you are on top of the world.

An interesting game that leaves the player screaming "I DAMN THEE ARTIFICIAL DIFFICULTY!". Obviously a huge throwback to castlevania in many ways and, while not near as hard, still presents a large number of talking points that could be called unjustifiably outdated or intentionally rigged to screw the player over as frequently as possible, which I might have favored a whip delay or something in exchange for these:
-Rooms you occasionally enter instantaneously in harm's way. One room you literally enter falling into a crusher and it sucker-punches you almost every time for some health.
-Crushers + ghosts. I'm almost 100% sure this was done very intentionally to attempt to infinite combo the player into death regardless of level or health standing, unless you miraculously pull it off without getting caught into it. Crushers or spikes make the player turn backwards for a brief instant, giving the ghosts a free card to approach. Many of the spinning spikes do not present opportunities to repel the ghosts, but rather hopefully just get through it so you don't have the ghost ANYWHERE in the spike region and of course, don't get hit afterwards. If the ghost is anywhere within the field of spikes (which appear in groups almost always for mini-marathons of this) and you cross the point where the ghost is "dormant" the ghost will live inside your ass and waste 0 time violating said ass into a pulp, often leaving the player paralyzed in a state of irrevocable ass-kicking.
-I re-iterate this. Ghosts that are, at any point, unable to be repelled and must have their exact region crossed over, almost always guaranteed to result in death.
-Green ghosts proving to be outrageously hard to contend with, with almost every room they appear in sporting the idea "don't get hit or you're dead regardless". Though, this could easily be the motto for any room with multiple obstacles with any chance of coming into close proximity, since the paralytic hit period guarantees you can keep getting sucker punched over and over again until your death.
-Many rooms you can't really work out a solid strategy that seems to guarantee or even moderately increase your odds of coming out alive, regardless of health level. Some just throw so much crap at you in such rapid, brutal succession that you have to perform them perfectly in a manner that often doesn't seem clear in timing or even often method to the player. Many rooms I would best in one attempt by shear luck, try to repeat what I'd done in said lucky streak later, and consequently get pulverized because even after having done it a few times, I still had no fucking idea how I'd done so.

Other than that, there were lots of humorous bits, psyche outs, and lots of little details that simply bled retro, including many of my areas of disappointment. My only regret is that the only remotely modern mechanic present was the "level" system, which seemed pretty ill-explained, poorly tracked in progress, and generally had a humongous tendency to not make a half-shit's difference unless what was hurting you was a single, lone obstacle or opponent.

This IS a good game, despite the negative aura around my review. It's a fun tribute and representation of Castlevania, but simply seems contradictory, counterproductive, or mildly uncreative at some points due to the over-abundance of similarities present.
I'm sure many others find this to be a real masterpiece.
8/10, 4/5 ~WCCC

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deathink responds:

Thanks for the review man. I grew up in the 80's, when developers still had the "drain all kids of there quarters" mentality. I love brutally hard games, and if you were a fan of castlevania, you loved it for 2 reasons. It had monsters, and it kicked your ass. I Made this game for myself and other hardcore games out there (like Mick).

Pretty good, I mean, I gave it four stars because castlevania was pretty boring for me, but you definitely put the main points, (especially the jump and swing one) and was pretty funny.

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Credits & Info

4.10 / 5.00

Nov 7, 2013
12:17 PM EST
Action - Platformer - Other