What you have is pretty good, but there's not enough to it. This is a beginning, but with no story behind the beginning, it's a beginning to nothing, and that's a pointless submission. Please don't submit "parts" to the Portal. If everyone submits parts and bits and incomplete things, who will want to come to Newgrounds?

If you want feedback and tips, that's fine, but this isn't the best place for this. The Portal is for finished items. The Forums are what you want. Load this into your Dumping Grounds. It's the third icon from the left at the very top of the page when you're signed in. It looks like a bucket with an arrow pointing down. Once it's loaded there, copy and paste the link into the Forums (Community>Forums). That way, people see it and give tips, which is what you want, but it's not in the Portal, filling your account with low scores or blams, which you don't want.

Good luck. :)