It was alright, funny that you made up your own story and you can develop the story even more. However it's really annoying to listen to the microphone turning on and off, the voice actor speaks to close to the mic and makes a humming noise.
What you should do to you next video is to have a background noise during the hole clip or records some silence and placing it overall. Would make the microphone tuning on and off less noticeable. One last thing, you should have pauses between sentences.
Otherwise I liked it. You have some talent! Hope to see some more work from you.
