The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 18:42:45
First off, I'm regarded by my friends as a gross faggot, who does disgusting things for attention. WIth that out of the way, maybe you'll be able to empathize with the strange events that have characterized the last few days of my life.
Some guys have been asking how my ass smells, and naturally, I wondered a bit too. As an attention whore, I decided to act on this decidedly idiotic concept, wherein I would report to my friends just how good or bad I clean out my rectum.
So I took this old magic wand from a magic kit I received quite a few years ago, and kind of greased it up with vaseline, olive oil, lotion, and about half a small bottle of KY jelly. Then, as you can imagine, I started to place it in my butt.
I actually got it to go waaaay farther up there than I thought I could, up until it was about seven inches in. I'd never done that before, so my anus was pretty tight, and yeah I was naked from the waste down and started to have a pretty big erection. So anyways I made the mistake of jostling around, and clenching up my rectal muscles, which not only got the thing kind of stuck, but it also pressed up against my prostate gland.
I think all of you probably know what happens when you jostle the prostate by direct stimulation. Yeah, I orgasmed unexpectedly, and it took me such by surprise that I didn't even have time to enjoy it from the shock.
I was in my bathroom when this happened, and my favorite pants were right in the line of fire, so they got sprayed with copious quantities of masculine milk. I don't care what anyone says cum; stains are fucking irreversible. So I was like fuck. But I got some new pants since then, so that doesn't really matter so much.
But that's not even the worst of the story. The shock of the surprise orgasm put me slightly off-balance, and my foot stumbled forward onto my SLIPPERY AND CUM-DRENCHED pants, and I promptly slid backwards, and landed on my ass.
Normally that wouldn't be so bad except that there was a PLASTIC ROD halfway lodged up in my anal cavity, which was further pushed by the impact of the fall. As I gazed out on the white linoleum floor, two or three blood droplets began to drip down the magic wand, and course their way down my perineum and inner thighs.
Not one generally up for embarrassment at a doctor's office after the incident last fall, I simply wadded up a large amount of toilet paper and placed in my tender anus after removing the wand.
Luckily, the blood stopped flowing quickly, but I fear that the impact of the wand on my large intestine and duodenum is as yet unknown. I don't know the source of the blood, and I have been hesitant to poop ever since then, although the one time I did, the pain was present, but minimal.
And lastly, I NEVER EVEN GOT TO WHIFF THE SMELL OF MY INNARDS, because the blood on the wand offset the scent! FUCKING GOD DAMMIT, that pissed me off.