At 6/25/14 04:39 PM, X-Gary-Gigax-X wrote:
Bumping this because a user, who will at present go anonymous, has had some relationship problems, and I didn't want him to feel like he's necroposting, so I'll do it ahead of him so he feels free to post here.
This user you mention is not me, but I have to post here anyways. So I'm going to, hope you guys can help.
So as all stories like this start, there is/was a girl. Her and I met through mutual friends, and we became very close to one another as time went by. At the start of our friendship, I knew I had a thing for her. This was about March, and we rapidly became closer and closer as time went by. We grew mutual affection for each other, and eventually one day (after I had shown her Ghostbusters for the first time) she made the first move. This was about May, and it was great. We never spoke of making it "official" and we didn't refer to each other as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", but we were in every sense except the label.
May bled into June, and we continued down the same path. It's probably worth mentioning that this girl is not entirely mentally stable (one can only ask so much from teenage girls) and she struggles a lot with maintaining that. I'd always been there to help her through whatever means necessary, but she felt she was putting a burden on me. Normally I'd feel like it was a burden, but with her it didn't feel that way. For the first time in a really long time, I felt like someone actually felt about me in the same way that I felt about them. Notice, however, this is past tense.
End of June comes, I had a graduation party thing and i introduced her to most of my family and all that, just as a friend of course. Given our closeness, there were the wandering eyes and knowing looks from some of the party guests, but I shrugged it off. That night she tells me she wants to make it official-er than it was before, and I was all for it. Nothing much changes except now we can call each other by that publicly and tell other people about it.
July comes. Everything is great. On Sunday night, however, I had a very wild and unexpected night in which I did some awful things (unrelated to her entirely, but still nonetheless). I made a choice to quit doing drugs for the time being, but in one final hurrah I smoked a lot of marijuana and ended up freaking myself out beyond belief. That bled into Monday morning in the wee hours with me crying in my mother's arms. Not fun.
Monday hurries on, and I'm determined to fix everything in my life having felt like I've hit rock bottom. As always, I am talking to her. She tells me she's not doing okay, and I ask about it and tell her I'm there. Among other things, she basically told me she couldn't do the relationship anymore. Considering I care about her happiness, I put on a brave face and said "Yeah, I understand." Deep down, that was not the case. We were planning on hanging out Tuesday (yesterday, now) and were still going to. She told me we would stay best friends, and I sure as hell was hoping so. I'd heard that said from girls in the past, and I have said that to girls in the past, but that never worked out as you can imagine.
So while I spend Monday night videocalling with another close friend and basically feeling terrible, Tuesday comes. I spend all day waiting for us to hang out that night. And I pick her up, and it feels okay. I gave her lots of hugs, and she helped me shave my head (my hair had been growing to a terrible length, and I always shave my head so I told her she should help me, she obliged a long time ago). Things were good, or as good as they could be. I still felt very raw from the whole thing, and I had to physically restrain myself from holding her hand as we walked down the street or pulling her in for a spontaneous kiss. That was really the hard part, because otherwise it felt pretty much the same as it always had. Minus the cutesy comments, which I miss in a way too.
On the drive home I voiced my concerns about us staying friends, and she wholeheartedly promised me that we were going to stay as close as we were leading up to when we took things up a notch. She told me I'm still the most important person in her life, and that she just couldn't handle it at the time being. I left feeling good, if not a bit empty (as to be expected).
I wake up this morning and I'm not exactly terrible, but I'm still feeling kind of stung. I'm sure you guys are all familiar with the empty, hollow feeling. I haven't eaten much in the past few days (on account of well, literally everything falling apart as I'm trying to fix it). She told me she still likes me, but then again said she's really confused. I know for a fact that I still like her, just as much as I always did. And I was genuinely feeling better last night.
But now, here I am. Trying to stomach my breakfast, dreading going to work where I'll be alone with my thoughts. And more than 70% of them will be about her, I know. I would appreciate if someone would help out, although I don't know with what. If anybody sees this and has any questions, then I can clarify. I know this was a bit of a scatterbrained post. Sorry, I guess I just need some sort of outside perspective.
Fitting tracks to my life right now: What Have I Done to Deserve This by The Pet Shop Boys and Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now by The Smiths.