Relationship problems 2020-05-21 09:06:05
I know its not usually a good idea to air dirty laundry, but I don't have any irl or even online friends to talk to about it anyway so this is all there really is.
I've been in the same relationship for most of my life, like legit since 2005 or 2006 I can't remember. There were a bunch of ups and downs that I even posted about here in the past years ago, but we don't really need to get into detail. Just know that my girlfriend and I have both made some mistakes that neither of us have really recovered from. She's quick to anger and drives most of my life choices, I've been miserable and had no sense of self for at least like 8 years now. I'm definitely not happy or enjoying life, and most things feel like a chore since im always stressed out.
On the other side of things, I've known this girl most of my life. We're incredibly close. I spend a lot of my time feeling sorry for her even when she gets mad. Like she'll have nowhere to go if i'm not there. Over the years we've had a lot of close breakups, and I told myself I'd have gotten out of this by now if things kept being bad. One such breakup changed all that when she attempted suicide while I was at work.
I've got a permanent mental image of her lying in the bathtub in red water surrounded by knives she tried to cut herself with. I thought for sure she was dead, and that thought was some of the worst shock and sadness i've ever felt. Thankfully she wasnt able to cut deep enough with the knives we had on hand. Despite that, the mental health system here didnt really give her much therapy. Just one session telling her to go join a community group as 'homework'.
Since then things got better, probably on account of me not letting myself speak out as much or get mad if we argue. She promised she'd never try that again, and for awhile I thought it was less and less likely. But then back in January, her dad, who to her, is the most important person in her life, her idol who she always wanted to be like, passed away suddenly. One minute he was alive, the next something had blocked a valve in his heart killing him instantly. He was fit and healthy in his mid 50s. She still hasnt recovered from it, and neither have I really.
Our relationship issues remain, im still miserable most days, feeling like a bird in a cage, while some days are good, and I feel like she's just misunderstood, that ill miss all the quality moments of laughing or sitting in bed talking. But I can't act on my negative feelings, knowing it could kill her, knowing she won't have anyone else, that her family is fragmented from the loss of her dad, and now one of her close friends has cut contact too.
Not really sure what to do, at this rate ill die of old age dedicating my life to this girl. If nothing else, I posted about it and got it out there, so thanks for reading.