Seeking feedback on novella

[GregLoire]

Hi everyone!

I currently have two interactive fiction games on Newgrounds:

• 

  Thousand Dollar Soul

  by GregLoire

  A dark "Choose Your Own Adventure"-style interactive fiction game with time travel.

  Game

  130,295 Views

  (Ages 13+)

• 

  God's Assassin

  by GregLoire

  A text-based adventure about evil, math, drugs and God.

  Game

  74,234 Views

  (Ages 13+)

I started writing a third interactive fiction game that would be a direct sequel to both, but the more I worked on it, the more I realized that there was only one "path" that I really wanted to tell, so I figured I'd just write a novella of that one path instead.

There's a link to the working draft at the top of reality-tunnels.com, or you can just read the Google Doc here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tOaAliopX50DHNaaDl9FYzzTHGTXy44mp3hk_nalrTM/edit

I am greatly interested in any feedback of any kind that anyone might have! Please feel free to respond in this thread or directly on the Google Doc as a comment.

Cheers!

[implicitelyhuman]

At 12/3/18 09:03 PM, GregLoire wrote: There's a link to the working draft at the top of reality-tunnels.com, or you can just read the Google Doc here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tOaAliopX50DHNaaDl9FYzzTHGTXy44mp3hk_nalrTM/edit

I'm currently going through the text. The newest commenter is me.

[GregLoire]

At 12/9/18 10:46 AM, implicitelyhuman wrote:

At 12/3/18 09:03 PM, GregLoire wrote: There's a link to the working draft at the top of reality-tunnels.com, or you can just read the Google Doc here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tOaAliopX50DHNaaDl9FYzzTHGTXy44mp3hk_nalrTM/edit

I'm currently going through the text. The newest commenter is me.

Thank you! This sort of feedback is extremely valuable -- my writing style is a bit clunky in parts and could definitely use some smoothing out. I'll need to dedicate an editing pass to this, but it's honestly not my greatest strength. So thanks again!