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goldengamer32
goldengamer32
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mysterious 2018-10-25 20:19:19 Reply

scene 1

zayasu :ahhhh

doctor : push push

baby: crying

doctor:it a boy here you go

door open and close

shinzo :where is he were my boy

zayasu : here your son

he pick him up

shinzo : get rid of him

zayasu: what we can't

shinzo : he a runt

zayasu : so

shinzo: so he not going to survive in this world he can't even lead a kingdom

zayasu : nut no we are keeping him

shinzo: ok i let do what you want but if you let him die it your falt

zayasu : don't listen him fuji he just grupy

to be continue

REBUILD13
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Response to mysterious 2018-11-06 09:19:48 Reply

At 10/25/18 08:19 PM, goldengamer32 wrote: scene 1

zayasu :ahhhh

doctor : push push

baby: crying

doctor:it a boy here you go

door open and close

shinzo :where is he were my boy

zayasu : here your son

he pick him up

shinzo : get rid of him

zayasu: what we can't

shinzo : he a runt

zayasu : so

shinzo: so he not going to survive in this world he can't even lead a kingdom

zayasu : nut no we are keeping him

shinzo: ok i let do what you want but if you let him die it your falt

zayasu : don't listen him fuji he just grupy

to be continue

Okay, I'll just cut to the criticisms...

Spelling: Could use some work, try spell check!

Punctuation: Needs the most work being honest...

Story: This part I think could be the best but currently all I have to work with is a scene of child birth... I suppose that maybe you'll have each of these details be important in the future? Because I'd suggest not having too many useless details, though stuff like character traits are somewhat acceptable.

Overall: Could definitely use some improvement, but just keep practicing and improving! =)

goldengamer32
goldengamer32
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Response to mysterious 2018-11-07 18:57:24 Reply

well some of these detail so what going on in the future like fuji father he saw him as useless and weak with fuji try to impress

him but well no sporilers